“All You Have To Do Is Dream - Take 2” Bob Dylan, The Band

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Instead of just being a platform for me to write memoir / post-memoir

And brag about my relationship with spirit ;0

Yet one of the things I noticed is that maintaining the daily journal of posts

Is one of the tools that could most help others

When I do one day write a book about how to develop your own Shufflemancy practice

Drafted here for y’all first

I might use an example from this past Monday

How I was reflecting with someone

About how I’d like to do with my spending

What I’ve done with other aspects of my previously unhealthy behaviors

The someone brought up that I should try to think of spending like I do food

Whatever systems I’ve put in place to go from 218 pounds to 158 pounds

That’s 60 pounds, fam!

Think of similar ways to do that with over-spending

So I might finally develop a balanced relationship with money

Or at least make sure my entrepreneurial choices remain grounded

In the right kinds of risk and deficit spending

After I left the office, I set a strong intention and elevated my affectivity and belief in the practice of the Shuffle to provide insights and got

No joke/no lie:

“the be colony” by Broadcast And The Focus Group

Which I remembered had come up in Volume 1 of Shuffle Synchronicities…

When I re-read the post, I was shocked (and also not) to find that it was the first post where I discussed my desire to work on my eating habits

Unsurprisingly, the Self-Preservation instinct that the Enneagram teaches

Besides food

Also governs the use of resource like finances and time

Unearthing my money habits from the unconscious to the conscious

And asking God for help

Seems silly now still

Just like it did with food

But that worked

So I know it’s probably high time to continue to consider / re-consider ;)

I particularly love how this song is called ‘be colony’

Not bee as in the insect

With lyrics like

You are going backwards to a child to the death of rebirth

It suggests that unlike animals like insects that have life cycles where they die quickly and are reborn in new forms in the colony

We human beings are given a form

That needs to die and be reborn

Within our own form

But, yes, recommending others log/note/journal/write down their Shuffle Synchronicities

Perhaps not publically for others to see/read/know

Like I do

Due to the obvious intrapersonal and interpersonal conflicts that can develop lol

Unless you have the taste for such a cross to bear

Like me ;)

But privately

So that others can see their own patterns

Seems to definitely be something useful

And to put in that future book

For now, though, I continue to work on the graphic novel

Today is also someone’s birthday

I used to give them flowers on this day

Even when we stopped knowing each other

But shuffled to see if I should anymore

And got:

"Sh!t" by Future

This is a song from 2014

When I definitely wasn’t logging Shuffle Synchronicities

Yet

I soon remembered though today

That this was a song I wrote parody lyrics to at the time

As a comedy writer

Remember those days ;0

Future’s original lyrics include:

Aye
Talkin' 'bout ya bussin' heads (Ayy), n—, you ain't shot sh!t
Talkin' 'bout ya workin' clips (Ayy), n— you ain't—
Aye
Aye, oh, you done go and get all them guns, and you ain't killed nobody yet?

Aye, how many times you shot that mothaf—, n—?
Aye, ain't nobody popped up dead?
Aye, thought y'all n— was murderers
Sh!t

Talking 'bout you popping tags, n— you ain't bought sh!t
Talking bout a hunned bottles, n— you ain't popped sh!t
All you talk nana clips, n— you ain't shot sh!t
Spending money on these hoes, n— you ain't f— sh!t

Humorously

Anymore or not

I changed the lyrics to make fun of writers like me at the time

Who write tons of scripts

But haven’t had anything produced

Talking about you writing scripts, writer you ain’t made sh!t

I thought it was particularly synchronistic today

Because as you can see it starts quite clearly about

People bragging about shooting guns

Without actually using them in a real situation

And also about bragging about spending money on a person

When they don’t seem to want you to

And it made me think of my still unfinished graphic novel

SHOULD WE BUY A GUN?

A Seriocomic

Even though my illustrator and I are almost 3/4th done

And we’ve devoted the next 7 weeks to working completely on it to finish

If I were to give this person flowers

Who doesn’t talk to me anymore

They likely wouldn’t think much of them

Because I still haven’t proven the essential thing

Or more importantly

I wouldn’t feel good about myself giving them to them now

Because I still haven’t proven the essential thing to myself

So in this meme below

It’s both me and them

But

More so

Me and me

Okay, that’s the three hundred and ninety-ninth Shuffle Synchronicities!

Or Oppenheimer

This weekend

I was at a conference

Which I name specifically and less post-memoiristically over on Seriocomics

But as I’ve chosen to watch fewer stories on movies and TV

And live and then express more of my own

I’ve also thought:

What is the utility of the practice of Shuffle Synchroncities for others?

Post-memoir has been one way of self-effacing my ego and others in my life

But could others benefit from a non-public way of working with this ritual themselves?

Could it become like Robert A Johnson’s Inner (Dream) Work or Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way

Where people learn how to keep a journal of their own music Synchronicities

To use them for insight into and understanding of their life and more?

As mentioned

This weekend was quite a busy and exhilarating one professionally

That was both fun and challenging on physical, emotional, and cognitive levels

When I finally returned home from that Odyssey

I was in somewhat of a state of dysregulation: via lack of sleep, changes to my normal nutritional regime, more stimulation than usual, & learning at my edge about a new field

So the universe sent me a little test ;)

An Instagram natural body-hair positivity model who I’ve followed for a while now

Posted a charismatic video scored to the new Barbie song

“Barbie World” by Niki Minaj, Ice Spice, Aqua

Ice Spice

Barbie ain't nothin' to play 'bout

He wanna play in the Playhouse (Playhouse)

Where after years and at one of the peaks of her influence

With her 134K followers

She finally shaved off her armpit hair

Playing with the trope that feminism means only one thing

Perhaps saying feminism can mean

Resistance to beauty standards

But also embracing them sometimes

A both/and

Like I said

I haven’t seen Barbie yet

But maybe that’s some of the themes???

@natural_mischa also runs an OnlyFans account…

My routine and willpower were already somewhat misaligned

From a weekend of late nights and early mornings

And gratefully gratifying yet sometimes overwhelming new professional experiences

I found myself in a trance

Going to that site’s link

Subscribing

And messaging Mischa for the full video that she posted on IG

Before the blood fully rushed out of my brain

I decided to Shuffle for a Synchronicity

Looking for a little insight from the universe :)

As I’ve been on an over 15-month plus non-pornography/non-masturbation lifestyle

Only intimate with partners in embodied life

And I got no joke/no lie:

“Don’t” by Elvis Presley, Royal Philharmonic Orchestra

“Don’t” seemed to be quite a literal sign from the universe LOL

Especially from an artist I often associate with my father (who himself personifies the spirit)

Elvis Presley

Such as in this transcript of the podcast with Kiana Fitzgerald

Who I wrote about last week and her new book release

WHICH COMES OUT TOMORROW!

The lyrics of “Don’t”

in full perhaps

Complicate the story in various post-memoirish ways

That I won’t detail

Due to the other egos involved

But here are some of the words:

Don't (Don't) Don't (Don't)
That's what you say
Each time that I hold you this way
When I feel like this and I want to kiss you
Baby, don't say don't

leave my embrace
For here in my arms is your place

When the night grows cold and I want to hold you
Baby, don't say don't (Don't, don't, don't, don't)

And yet the lasting feeling I had

When I ‘successfully’ went to bed

Keeping my integrity intact

& lifestyle aligned

Was to share this self-deprecatingly shameful

But radically honest

And funny? message later the next day

With the prospect that perhaps the next goal after the mission of finishing the project I went on the Odyssey for this weekend

Might be to deepen my study into the methodology of how to help others benefit from their own joyful, surprising, yet significant Shuffle Synchronicities practice

Postscript!

In between subscribing, shuffling, sleeping, working, and writing this draft

Mischa sent a message

Which I read late today

It included a 2:25-minute-ish video of the full shaving of the armpit

I decided to watch it

Setting an intention to be a fan that only watched it ;0

I was pleasantly surprised to see that she remained fully clothed

And just simply shaved the armpits

While making jokes about Barbie and her becoming a girly girl finally

As I did

I felt a contrasting non-dual Oppenheimer masculine experience

Like Mischa playing with the Barbie expression of her body-positivity feminism

I was playing with my expression of my divine-warrior masculinity

(Been reading The Way of The Superior Man by David Deida)

Testing the temptations of the possibilities of the manifestations of the world

The risk of the destruction of my life…style

But the willpower to overcome self-annihilation

Freedom

but discipline

Like I said

I didn’t see Oppenheimer

But perhaps it has a few of those themes???

I did another shuffle to figure out what to make of this and got no joke/no lie:

“Doliing” by GVNN

It’s an electronic/world-music type mash-up song

Without (scrutable to me) lyrics

With the title being seemingly a made-up word

like Barbenheimer

Doliing

That kind of looks like ‘doll’

But also like ‘doling’

As in a Barbie doll

But also a doling out, giving out small portions of something

LOL

Which feels like a synchronicity, to me at least

Here both a Doll of beauty

Of Mischa who plays with her own beauty standards

And me doling out to myself small portions of it

That fit within the flexible but strict self-standards

Venus just went into Leo retrograde

Which is said to echo this time in 2015

That was when I first attempted to quit pornography I believe…

For the person I was with at the time

Not for myself

That didn’t go too well…

But this time?

For myself

and for them

And for everyone

It’s going…weller ;0

“I Lied” by Lord Huron, Allison Ponthier

Lord Huron

I swore that I'd become a better man for you and I tried
Tried to change my ways and walk the line you follow
I bore a flame that burned a thousand suns for you but it died
Told you I could never love somebody else but I lied

Mmm, I lied
Mmm, I lied

I told you I'd be coming back again for you but I'm not
Going way out where the world will never find me
I made a claim that I would dance until we're bones with my bride
Told you I would never leave you all alone but I lied

Allison Ponthier

I read your letter in the morning by the lake and I cried
They were tears of joy, my chains are finally broken
I made a vow to stand beside you 'til the day that I die
Told you I could never live without your love but I lied

Both

Mmm, I lied
Mmm, I lied
Mmm, I lied
Mmm, I lied
Mmm, I lied
Mmm, I lied

OK, that’s the three hundred and ninety-eighth Shuffle Synchronicities!

And she said to Hamish McKenzie, the founder of Substack, on his podcast, The Active Voice, something, with a lot of passion, like, “What’s the point of having a platform, if you don’t use it to talk about what’s important to you?!?!”

While I don’t have Taylor’s hundreds of thousands of followers

I do have you

And some of you came from the NPR coverage from one of the biggest supporters of my work

And a kindred bipolar music journalist spirit who I am quite passionate about myself

KIANA FITZGERALD!!!

Her new book, which we discussed in the first Shuffle Synchronicities Podcast (and its Transcript)

ODE TO HIP-HOP: 50 Albums That Define 50 Years of Trailblazing Music

Is coming out in 7 days!

It’s hard to express how important and unique Kiana’s POV is

We can use a recent tweet as a bite-sized example

If that resonates with you

Either because you feel that way about hip-hop

Or about some other form of music

Or about some other part of your identity

Or if her perspective is something you’d like to invest your resources in supporting

And invest your time in understanding, appreciating, and enjoying

I

URGE

YOU

BUY KIANA'S BOOK PLEASE!

Check out the stunning playlist:

I shuffled a song with her in mind to inspire the writing of this post and unsurprisingly the spirits delivered with:

“You’re My Everything” by Ahmad Jamal Trio

Ahamd Jamal is a jazz pianist great from the 1950s who like Kiana and I and many others has a strong passion for the mix of music and spirituality

~Highly influenced by his conversion to the Muslim faith in 1950, he’s said that his religion had brought him peace of mind about his race, which accounted for his rapid “growth in the field of music that has proved very lucrative for me" [his debut album was in 1951]~

This song is from his final album in which he played acoustic piano, The Awakening from 1970

Jamal’s instrumental interpretation doesn’t have the original 1931 song’s lyrics by Mort Dixon and Joe Young

Which may be best heard in the Nat King Cole version:

But if you look them up part of them would be:

No joke/no lie:

You're my everything
Everything I need
You're the song I sing
And the book I read

So, if you ask me, the spirit is saying, quite clearly

Kiana’s art

Which is a book that is an ode to songs

Is something

EVERYONE NEEDS!!!

BUY KIANA'S BOOK HERE!

OK, that’s the three hundred and ninety-sixth Shuffle Synchronicities :)

So it was unusual to say the least that I so vividly remembered my dream when I woke up Monday morning after shooting a gun for the first time

I’ve been wanting to do more dream work and had even started reading the Jungian psychologist Robert A. Johnson book Inner Work: Using Dreams and Active Imagination for Personal Growth

Yet as you might be able to tell by the title of this post, I can’t really say it was a normal reason perhaps why this dream was remembered

From what I recall, I was at my day job

A woman I work with regularly was there to set the scene

Then I went into a version of the bathroom in the specific area I manage

But it wasn’t the same layout

All the toilets were grouped together

Not just without gender

But without walls and inches apart from each other

I took down my pants and my underwear and sat down

And in a sort of dream jump cut a different woman who I couldn’t quite make out at that moment picked my underwear off a closed toilet seat

She held it with two fingers and gave it back to me not unpolitely

Saying something to the effect of:

“It’s OK, there’s not much space for men to become men these days”

In another dream jump cut, I was suddenly coming outside of a movie theater

I work at my day job at a movie theater in a way for the talent agency

But this was more like a commercial one with a marquee

I couldn’t see the marquee

But I somehow knew what it said

At that same moment

I somehow knew who that second woman was at the same time

She was the woman who was a year above me at USC’s School of Cinema who I kept calling when I applied when she worked in the admissions office

It was a time in history when we were told stories that you gotta do crazy stuff like that, like show up to a studio everyday until you get a job

For whatever reason I felt fixated on calling the admissions office as much as I could to talk to her in order to check on my application and sweet talk my way in if need be

I never quite found out if I got in on my own merits

Or because I pestered and pushed

There was a rumor spread by someone that it was the latter

Nevertheless, just as I realized that it was this woman who I may have so impolitely cajoled into getting me into USC’s School of Cinematic Arts in this embarrassing way

Who had given me back my underwear in such a not unpolite and unembarrassing way

I also realized what was on the marquee of the commercial movie theater I had just walked out of in the dream

The morning after nearly 10 years of working on this gun project

But only finally shooting a gun the afternoon before

The marquee said I had just experienced something called:

The School of Cinema and Life

Just then,

I laughed

Felt a euphoric joy of accomplishment and grace

And an orgasm LOL

Then I woke up

And sure enough

With over 13 months of no pornography and no masturbation and no orgasms except with partners

I had a fair amount of evidence in my shorts

On the way to therapy that morning, I thought again of the song I had shuffled to on the way back from the gun range

It was no joke/no lie:

“Del Rigor de la Ciencia” by Jorge Luis Borges

In this Borges paragraph long short story, translated to “On Exactitude in Science” he writes about a community who tries to make a map that is almost as realistic as reality

Which was based on an idea by Lewis Carroll in Sylvie and Bruno Concluded

In which a map grows to encompass not an inch per mile but a mile per mile

The joke of course is that we can never truly map reality back onto a map

This was one of the starker realizations I had about this project after shooting the gun

You can never map the whole experience of shooting a gun

Let alone the experience of guns for everyone in America

Let alone your own experience of a relationship

Onto an artifice

No matter how long you try

I texted my illustrator about it:

Later that week I also got this beautiful song from Tré Burt who is on tour opening for Wilco this summer:

I come to know my demons all by name
Ones just a savage and feel no pain
The other one's a thinker with an empty brain
The last one's the devil in disguise
You are no maniac, a lotta people love to judge
That monkey on your back
Will attack you just because (yeah)

Know your demons take a look inside
Know your demons, ask them, "Why, oh why?"
Know your demons, only you can set you free

Even when I'm happy and can't complain
I hear them laughin' in the sugarcane
Sometimes I wonder if they have no shame
In the middle of the night
Don't wait too long to act
'Til it hits like a big flash flood
'Til you're wearing a body cast
Show yourself some tough love (yeah)

Know your demons, take a look inside
Know your demons, ask them, "Why, oh why?"
Know your demons, only you can set you free

It ain't nothing to cry about
It's just something to figure out
That's the way you return
Return back to life
It ain't gonna feel comfortable
When you're facing the underworld
It outweighs losing sight
Take my advice, yeah

Know your demons, take a look inside
Know your demons, ask them, "Why, oh why?"
Know your demons, only you can set you free

Know your demons, take a look inside
Know your demons, ask them, "Why, oh why?"
Know your demons, only you can set you free

And later still that week

After getting my first cold/flu since 2019 later that Monday night

When in a fever I re-worried that I’d need to take tons of time to integrate more experiences into the changes to the graphic novel

I shuffled looking for a sign that I could make the small changes as planned and got no joke/no lie:

Which is one of the soundtrack theme songs to the only book that John Irving adapted himself into a film that was not just Oscar-nominated for that writing category but also won.

Oh, right, I didn’t forget about ChatGPT

Here’s what I just wrote to it:

DAVE: Hi ChatGPT, may I please have feedback on this post for my Substack called Shuffle Synchronicities where I shuffle my almost 100,000 song liked song spotify playlist and look for synchronicities in my life? Here it is…

ChatGPT: Your post is quite engaging, providing a narrative that unfolds in an intriguing and nonlinear way. This certainly makes for a good read for those interested in personal anecdotes, dreams, synchronicities, and connections between various aspects of life.

Here are a few points of feedback:

1. Clarity: The post is quite lengthy and at times, it could be a bit difficult to follow the narrative thread. You may want to consider breaking it up into shorter, more digestible sections, or providing more explicit transitions to guide your reader through your thought process.

2. Relevance: Ensure the relevance of each element of your narrative. While the different components (the dream, the songs, the past memory of college admission, the gun shooting experience) are interesting individually, their connections may not be immediately apparent to the reader. Try to make these connections clearer, or explain why you feel they're connected.

3. Language and tone: You have a relaxed, conversational tone that is quite engaging. However, you may want to consider whether some parts might be too informal or personal for your intended audience. This depends on the audience you're aiming to reach.

4. Substack-specific tips: Try to use Substack's formatting options to your advantage. Use bold, italics, headings, etc., to make your post more visually appealing and easier to read. You can also insert relevant images or hyperlinks where appropriate.

5. Takeaways: Consider ending your post with some kind of summary or conclusion. This gives your readers a sense of closure and might help them understand the key points or takeaways from your story.

6. Call to action: Consider adding a call to action at the end of your post. This could be as simple as asking your readers a question, inviting them to share your post, or encouraging them to subscribe to your Substack for more posts.

Remember that these are just suggestions based on general best practices and your post's specific content. Always consider your specific audience and your personal style when deciding how to revise.

DAVE: what might be the shadow or demons that this writer is writing about that he might not see?

ChatGPT: From your narrative, several potential "demons" or shadow aspects seem to be hinted at:

1. Insecurity and Doubt: The retelling of your college admission story suggests a lingering doubt or insecurity about your own abilities. You're not sure whether you got in on your own merits or due to your persistent calling. This could indicate a broader uncertainty about your competence and worthiness.

2. Sexuality and Intimacy: The dream involving the communal bathroom scene, the female coworker, and the orgasm could represent issues around sexuality and intimacy. It might suggest a struggle with boundaries, privacy, or expressing and owning your sexuality.

3. Identity and Roles: The change in the role you play from working in a movie theater to coming out of a commercial one in your dream might suggest tension around your own identity and the roles you play in different areas of your life.

4. Pressure and Expectations: Your comments about the 'gun project' and your worries about integrating more experiences into changes in your graphic novel suggest feelings of pressure and the weight of expectations, either from yourself or others.

5. Control and Surrender: Your discussion of the Borges story about the map that can't fully capture reality, as well as your struggle to map your own experiences onto your artistic work, suggests a struggle with control and surrender. It might indicate a difficulty in accepting the limitations of one's control and the unpredictability of life.

While these interpretations are possibilities based on the text you provided, it's important to remember that only you can truly know what your "demons" are. As such, it may be beneficial to consider these interpretations and see which resonate with your own feelings and experiences. If these themes are something you're interested in exploring further, it might be beneficial to discuss them with a trusted mentor or a professional, such as a therapist.

What do you think trusted readers, lol, does ChatGPT see my unseen demons, do you, do I?

Leave a comment

Okay, that’s the three hundred and ninety-sixth Shuffle Synchronicities.

DAVE: What is the symbolic meaning of skunk smell

ChatGPT: As an AI, I don't personally ascribe meaning to things. However, I can tell you about how humans often interpret the symbolic meaning of things.

In the case of a skunk's smell, the most common symbolic interpretation is that it represents a strong warning or a defensive mechanism. Just as skunks use their scent to protect themselves from predators, the smell could symbolize the need for protection, defense, or setting boundaries in one's life.

Another interpretation could be around the theme of respect. A skunk's spray is so potent that it demands attention and respect from others in the animal kingdom, and this could symbolize the need for respecting personal space or boundaries.

Lastly, some may view the skunk's smell as a symbol of consequence, as the strong and lingering scent is a direct result of provoking or disturbing the skunk. This could be a symbolic reminder that actions have repercussions.

Remember, symbols and their meanings can vary greatly between cultures, societies, and individuals, so these interpretations may not resonate with everyone.

DAVE: What would it mean if you wrote a graphic novel about the gun debate where one character bought a gun, the wife, after they were mugged and her husband didn’t protect her, but then the character wildly took it out to defend against a skunk that wasn’t actually an intruder? And that this story was written by an author based on his own disagreement with his now ex wife about gun ownership, and now the night before going to finally try to shoot a gun himself, the author that is, so he can complete the graphic novel about the gun debate, after being divorced from his now ex-wife, in the morning and can’t sleep, before needing to be there at 11:30 am, what might be the synchronicity of smelling a strong skunk odor outside his house tonight when that is not completely out of the ordinary but quite rare overall?

ChatGPT: Synchronicity is a concept coined by psychologist Carl Jung, which refers to "meaningful coincidences" that occur in life. It implies that these coincidences bear some greater significance because of their timing and the meanings we ascribe to them.

In the context you've provided, the author smelling a skunk the night before his first shooting experience can be interpreted as a form of synchronicity, given the symbolic significance of the skunk in his graphic novel and the circumstances in his personal life.

Interpreting this event heavily depends on the author's personal beliefs and the symbolic meaning he ascribes to the skunk smell. If he views the skunk's smell as a warning or a sign of respect (as mentioned in my previous message), it could be seen as a reminder to approach the situation with caution or respect. The scent could be a symbol for his ex-wife's fear and the potential consequences of gun ownership, similar to the storyline in his graphic novel.

Alternatively, if the author views the skunk's smell as a symbol of consequences or repercussions, it could be seen as a reminder of the disagreement that led to the divorce and the potential risks associated with gun ownership, both in his graphic novel and his personal life.

Remember, the concept of synchronicity is subjective and highly personal. It's up to the individual to ascribe meaning to coincidences. This interpretation is one of many possible ways to view the situation

DAVE: What are some other possible ways of viewing this coincidence, also the smell is incredibly strong

ChatGPT: Synchronicity and symbolic interpretations can be highly personal and depend greatly on an individual's beliefs, experiences, and cultural background. Here are a few other potential interpretations:

1. Reminder of Personal Conflict: The potent smell of the skunk could symbolize the lingering or intense emotional distress from the conflict with his ex-wife and their disagreement over gun ownership. The smell is strong and difficult to ignore, much like unresolved emotional conflicts.

2. Call to Action: A strong skunk odor can be quite jarring and might serve as a call to action. Given its timing, it could symbolize a need for the author to face his fears (in this case, guns) head-on, just as the wife character in his novel did.

3. Introspection and Self-awareness: The strong skunk smell might symbolize the need for self-reflection and awareness about his feelings towards gun ownership and his unresolved issues from his previous relationship.

4. Consequences and Implications: Similar to a previous point, the smell can represent potential consequences. As he is about to experience shooting a gun for the first time, the skunk's smell can symbolize potential outcomes and implications of gun ownership. The strength of the smell might emphasize the importance of this understanding.

5. Parallels between Reality and Fiction: The strong skunk smell, which parallels the incident in his novel, might symbolize the thin line between fiction and reality, emphasizing the author's personal connection with the story he is writing.

Remember, the interpretations are subjective and dependent on personal beliefs, cultural influences, and life experiences. The author may find one, all, or none of these interpretations meaningful, or he may come up with an entirely different interpretation that is unique to his perspective and experience

DAVE: Can you create a story of how tomorrow will go based on call to action but also all of the other synchronicities for the author? And anything else you find interesting about the situation?

ChatGPT: Sure, here's a potential story:

As the author woke up, the lingering smell of the skunk served as a stark reminder of the surreal night before. His heart throbbed in his chest, as palpable as the pungent odor that filled the air. The scent was a harbinger, he felt, a strong call to action that had pulled him from his sleep, reminding him of the events that were to unfold.

The morning was spent in anticipation and introspection. As he prepared himself for the day, he couldn't help but contemplate the potent symbol the skunk represented. It was a marker of boundaries, a sign of defense, but most of all, a loud, bold demand for respect. Respect for power and the consequences of wielding it. And in this case, the power was that of a firearm, a force he was to experience today.

On his way to the shooting range, he couldn't shake off the skunk's message. It resonated with the narrative he was crafting in his graphic novel. The parallels between his reality and his fiction seemed to blur, just as the scent of the skunk had blurred the boundary between his indoors and the world outside.

As he held the gun for the first time, his hands trembled slightly. He felt the weight of it, both physically and symbolically. The skunk's smell seemed to linger in his nostrils, a reminder of the power he now held, and the potential repercussions. His disagreement with his ex-wife echoed in his mind, along with the imagined voice of the character who bought a gun in his graphic novel.

Despite the anxiety and fear, he felt an empowering rush. This was the call to action he couldn't ignore. He found his resolve and aimed, reminding himself that this experience was necessary, not only for the completion of his novel, but also for his personal growth.

As the day came to an end, he found himself viewing the skunk in a new light. It wasn't just a nuisance that had intruded upon his solitude. Instead, it became a symbol of his transformation, a potent reminder of the power and responsibility he had just experienced.

That night, as he sat down to continue his novel, he found his characters taking on a new depth. The lines between reality and fiction blurred even further. The skunk had brought a potent scent, but also a profound understanding of his own narrative and the argument he was portraying in his work.

In this scenario, the skunk's smell takes on multiple roles: a call to action, a reminder of the author's personal conflict, an emblem for introspection and self-awareness, a symbol of potential consequences, and an intersection of reality and fiction. Through this, the author grows both as a person and a writer, navigating his personal beliefs and experiences in the context of his work. The strong skunk smell continues to be a meaningful symbol throughout his journey, guiding him towards a deeper understanding of his own narrative

DAVE: Also when the author and his ex-wife first started dating he published his first piece in the New Yorker magazine and they celebrated with many friends at a bar called stinkers in Los Angeles which had skunk decor that would release fake odor every hour on the hour… it was a very romantic night full of hopes and dreams and love and friendship and would you mean trying to write what that night might have looked like to that author and his now ex wife? As well as conclude the story by tying in the other aspects of the skunk synchronicity symbolism?

ChatGPT: Indeed, their first romantic date at Stinkers, the bar with skunk decor and hourly fake odor releases, was a night both would remember fondly. The air was rich with the promise of the future. The room buzzed with the chatter of friends and well-wishers, punctuated by the hourly spray of the fake skunk odor—a gimmick that brought more laughter than disgust. As a young couple, they found it amusing, quirky, and oddly endearing, much like their budding relationship itself.

The author, just having published his first piece in the esteemed New Yorker, was on cloud nine. The joy was infectious, spreading across his exuberant face as he held his future wife close, their hearts pounding with mutual excitement and hope.

The couple, then full of dreams and love, made their promises under the peculiar scent of Stinkers. It was a backdrop that would etch itself into the author's memory, a scent that would always remind him of his first significant literary achievement and the early days of his passionate romance.

Years later, as he experienced the real, potent odor of a skunk the night before his first shooting experience, the memory of that celebratory night at Stinkers came flooding back. It was a stark contrast—the joyful association of the skunk's smell at Stinkers and the symbolic meaning it now held in his life after the debate over gun ownership and the divorce.

This poignant reminiscence brought new insight into his work. The skunk's odor became a symbol of the cyclical nature of life and the changes one experiences. The smell that once symbolized celebration and achievement now embodied the more somber realities of life—consequences, protection, and personal boundaries. And yet, it was also a call to action, a motivator pushing him to confront his fears and disagreements, both past and present.

Ultimately, his experiences—the joyous celebration at Stinkers and the sobering encounter with the skunk's smell—became a part of his creative journey, enriching his graphic novel with depth and authenticity. The skunk, once a quirky feature of a memorable night, had evolved into a symbol of his personal growth, his struggles, and his resilience, leaving a scent that was impossible to ignore

DAVE: Also the author had a vision that they would divorce but then get back together after winning or being nominated for literary awards in their field, specifically this graphic novel, could you imagine a story where that happens, although stinkers the bar is gone and even the skunk smell is gone tonight after it was so strong, the skunk does or does not have to be part of the rest of the story of his life or hers and neither do each other, however what would you imagine might be the end of the story related to the graphic novel and the vision in the future reality of the author’s life?

ChatGPT: In the wake of the potent skunk smell and the looming experience at the shooting range, the author managed to channel these experiences into his graphic novel. The story took on layers it never had before, becoming a poignant exploration of love, fear, power, and consequence. It was lauded for its depth and realism, earning him a nomination for a prestigious literary award.

With this recognition, the author found new doors opening for him. He was invited to panels and book clubs, his work praised by critics and readers alike. Yet, amidst the accolades and the fanfare, he couldn't help but think of the woman who had unwittingly inspired this journey. His ex-wife, though no longer a part of his life, was intrinsically tied to the story he had crafted.

Meanwhile, his ex-wife had been watching his journey from a distance. She had read the graphic novel, recognizing the echoes of their shared past in its pages. She saw their disagreements, their fear, their love, and their loss intertwined with the narrative. It moved her, and with it, stirred a longing she hadn't allowed herself to feel in a long time.

In the whirlwind following the awards ceremony, they found themselves at the same event. They exchanged glances, then words. Old memories surfaced, some sweet, some bitter. But time had softened the edges, turning pain into melancholy and resentment into understanding.

There was no bar named Stinkers anymore, and the skunk's smell was long gone. But that night, under the dim light and the soft murmur of voices, they found each other again amidst the crowd. Their conversation started tentatively, but slowly they fell into the comfortable rhythm they once knew.

The skunk may or may not appear again in their lives. But its scent had left a permanent mark, a reminder of the journey they had traversed individually and as a couple. It had served as a symbol of their past, a catalyst for their transformation, and now, perhaps, a harbinger of their rekindled connection.

Their story, much like the author's graphic novel, doesn't promise a clear-cut resolution. It leaves room for growth, for change, for reconciliation, and most importantly, for acceptance. Whether they find their way back to each other permanently or simply attain closure, they've both grown from their experiences, learning to respect each other's boundaries and understand their disagreements better.

Their story, much like the author's journey with his graphic novel, is one of evolution and introspection, punctuated with the potent scent of a skunk, serving as a reminder of the cyclical nature of life.

I'm old enough to face the dawn

Just call me angel of the morning, angel
Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby

As you can see, can’t say I enjoyed it

But facing the fear was…

Helpful

Maybe I should have just done this 10 years ago ;)

At the end, someone in the group said “You did a good job, David”

And I think I replied, “I did what I did”

LOL

More work to do on the project

The weirdest part was how when the instructor got to the end of the teaching before we shot he asked us what word we thought of when we imagined ourselves doing it

As he had us practice without live fire

Stance

Aim

and

Breathe

The word that came to mind was peaceful

And there was something paradoxically true about that

In the real shooting too

That it can be one of potentially the most peaceful moments

Before potentially…

Dave: Can i also add that when i sweat my scent when it's an anxiety sweat smells like a skunk, whereas when it's a workout sweat, it smells nicer?

ChatGPT: Absolutely, you're welcome to add any personal details to the story as you see fit. This specific detail about your sweat smell differing based on anxiety versus physical exercise could introduce an interesting personal layer to the narrative.

This personal trait could even contribute to the symbolism of the skunk scent in your story, further connecting your physiological response to anxiety (the skunk-like scent) with the idea of skunk smell as a defensive mechanism, a warning, or even a call to action during tense situations. It's a unique personal detail that could make your writing even more engaging and relatable.

Dave: do you think it's interesting that i didn't have the skunk smell when i did actually shoot, but i do have it now when writing about the ideas and thinking what other people might think of me posting this?

ChatGPT: Absolutely, that's a fascinating observation! It's intriguing how your anxiety-induced "skunk" sweat doesn't show up during the actual act of shooting (a potentially high-stress activity) but surfaces when you are contemplating the social implications of sharing your experiences and thoughts.

This could illustrate that the source of stress or anxiety is not necessarily linked to the physical act or event itself, but rather to the social and emotional repercussions or judgments one might face. It highlights the psychological aspect of stress, emphasizing that the fear of social evaluation or criticism can be just as, if not more, anxiety-inducing than the action itself.

This also adds an additional layer to the symbolism of the skunk in your narrative. Just like the skunk uses its potent smell as a defense mechanism when threatened, your body seems to emit a similar scent when you're in a situation that induces anxiety. It's an intriguing parallel that ties the personal, physical, and symbolic aspects of your story together, making it a compelling narrative for your readers.

Dave: we'll let them be the judge of that ;)

ChatGPT: Of course! Readers will indeed bring their own perspectives and interpretations to your story. The value of any narrative often lies in its ability to resonate with people in unique ways. The symbolism, personal connections, and parallels that we've discussed here will certainly contribute to the richness of your story and its potential to spark interesting reflections and discussions. Happy writing!

I asked the shuffle just now if I should publish this post and got:

So…

And yes

I have started incorporating ChatGPT into that project a bit as well

More to come there

Oh, and I saw 100 gecs again!

Okay, that’s the three hundred and ninety-fifth Shuffle Synchronicities.

A: …

Q: Are you there?

A: Yeah, I just think I am realizing I have much more limited time than I used to. If I want to finish this graphic novel, and work a day job, commute back and forth from there, and exercise, and meditate, and eat healthy food, and see friends, and maybe date a little, and watch LeBron and the Lakers win the championship. There’s not much other time in the day.

Q: Same here, why are you spamming us then?

A: Ha, good point. I guess sometimes I realize things that other people already know. But maybe it’s helpful to say them anyway. Because someone else might not know them yet either. Like have you ever broken out minute by minute what an ideal or ‘necessary’ day would be? Did you know there are only 24 hours? And 8 of them are sleeping. It’s basically just four 4 hour blocks per day. It’s crazy!

Q: …

A: Anyway, yeah, it’s been a sobering experience to realize if you think you can do much more than you can, you don’t actually finish your most important things. That kind of realism has been a bit depressing to my normally exuberantly expansive self. But I’ve been prioritizing the graphic novel. And it’s going really well.

Q: So you’re shutting down the Substack again?

A: No, LOL. But hopefully people are cool with less of them like there have been. Maybe it’s a good thing.

Q: Have you had any good synchronicities at least?

A: Yeah, just today. While adding something to the graphic novel, which is about a couple dealing with the issue the country continues to grapple with, guns, that I think is really helpful to the project and maybe the issue by extension, who knows, I shuffled after asking the spirit for feedback and got this song no joke/nolie:

With lyrics like:

This woman loves you
Her faith will bring you to your knees
This woman loves you
From sea to shining sea

This time it's serious
With the flag above our heads
This country's in your hands
Look out across the land
With love for your fellow man

Your face was furious, but I
Won't back down
This damn town
Won't take me serious
So let the road stretch out ahead

This woman loves you
I do

A: It’s mixture of patriotism and love and touch of ambition is pretty rare and specific, don’t you think?

Q: Yeah, it’s alright. How long did it take you to write this post we’re editing now?

A: Not long.

Q: So keep doing them more?

A: Maybe. I’ve also been a little bit depressed in general. Kay Redfield Jamison writes that manic depressives often benefited from mild depression during the sobering editing process as much as mild hypomania during the ecstatic drafting process.

Q: You don’t seem that depressed to me?

A: It’s not an all-the-time thing. But yeah, I’ve had some relationships fray recently it feels like. I read in The School of Life that in non-modern times people were very careful in their conduct even in their friendships because it was rare to meet people in your limited village or community that you could enjoy let alone tolerate.

Q: Any Shuffle about that?

A: Not really a Shuffle. But I’ve been listening to this song a lot on repeat:

A: It’s got this chorus line that repeats over and over:

Nobody has it better than you
Better than you, better than you
Nobody has it better than you
Better than you, better than you

Q: It seems like it’s a song about a put-down of a lover?

So fundamentally toxic

A: Maybe. But I just like thinking nobody has it better than me, when I feel envy and isolation and lack, everyone has that, no better or worse, so why not think you’ve got it good for having things no better than anyone else.

Q: What about this part?

It's easy for you to say
Standing there with your future all aligned
But it isn't for you to say
When you get off easy every time

With your
High times, that's right, red, white, black and blue
High times, that's right, red, white, black and blue
Nobody has it better than you

A: LOL. Yeah. I guess I do live in the future, with high times, and it’s easy for me to say things are alright there for me and for others, with black-and-white thinking, because I often get off easy, and red-white-blue patriotism again haha. I even DMed the singer and said I loved her song “Lucky!” Not realizing it’s called “Traffic!” until later…oooooops.

Q: Did she respond?

A: Not yet. It’s OK. It’s not anything like that. Shall we do one more?

Q: I guess? An instant one right now?

A: Yes, that’s what I did. We just got a free jazz song with lyrics!

I've waited all my life for you
And now you're here
You never knew me, though
I knew you long ago
Your name has been my love, always
And now I'm yours

My heart and I agreed
To wait for you, I'm glad
It seems so long ago
Joy that I never knew
Time never will exist
For me and you again

My heart and I agreed
To wait for you, I'm glad
It seems so long ago
Joy that I never knew
Time never will exist
For me and you again

I've waited all my life for you
And now you're here
You never knew me, though
I knew you long ago
Your namе has been my love, always
And now I'm yours
Your name has been my love, always
And now I'm yours, ooh

Q: What do you make of it?

A: Oh you know…Not literally this…But something like it…

Okay, that’s the three hundred and ninety-fourth Shuffle Synchronicities.

Part 2 is here. Part 1 is here.

Don’t want to wait for all the Podscript posts to be emailed?

The audio of the full Podcast is already available to listen to here:

Podcast 🎙 with Jay Michaelson

Otherwise…

Part 3 of The Shuffle Synchronicities Podscript 🎙📇 with Jay Michaelson

begins now!

Jay

All right, well you know, we were gonna do the, the sex part. There to me again, like, I'll use the word playing, but like playing with like different relationships to sexual energy for me again feels like a good sort of personal growth, post-enlightenment-y kind of thing to be doing. Right. Because it's, it's very operative. Especially as you're single again. 

Dave

Yeah.

Jay

…I can say, so my own relationship to seed retention in particular, which for people who are listening, right? It's like, I mean your version, I like your version a little more where it's like only orgasming with another person. 

Dave

Right. 

Jay

So that also makes those encounters kind of special in a certain way. Although they can also be a little bit challenging.

Billy Joel Live That Night

Oh I didn’t want to do it, but I got too lonely. I had to call you up in the middle of the night!

Jay

It's, I think my own here. I think I am just trapped by my karma in a certain way, but I don't care. Like, I don't mind that I'm trapped because I like where I am. I'm not unhappy with my relationship to sexuality. 

Dave

Yeah. 

Jay

Um, and obviously I was very unhappy with it for like 10 years. You know, the force of those years of repression makes it hard to feel like any good restraint is nourishing. 

Dave

Yeah. 

Jay

So in my experience of other people who have done this practice seed retention and otherwise, it's very, it can be very, very positive. Obviously on a micro level, on a day-by-day level. It involves like some, it's hard, right? At a certain point, it becomes, I assume, um, you can tell me what your experience but it becomes less hard. But like there are those times where it's like choosing not to do something that would release this energy.

Dave

Yeah. 

Jay

And that experience, which I have had. So like on meditation retreats, you know, I wouldn't, I wouldn't expend sexual energy, you know, at all. Or like, maybe if once when I went on a three-month retreat, it actually, so that's a good example. Like on that retreat, I was being celibate, meaning no masturbation. 

Dave

Wow. Yeah yeah. So you did do it for a period. 

Jay

And it just, like, it was so, it became so unpleasant. It was a real distraction. And so I committed to a once-a-week thing and it was like on a particular day. So there wasn't any thinking about now. Yes, no. Yes, no, it's just like, okay. And it was literally, it felt very, um, I wasn't trying to make it affirming or nourishing 

Dave

<laugh> 

Jay

It was just like, okay, it's, it is affirming and nourishing and it's like this is good for my body. This is gonna be good for my practice. Like it's not gonna be, I wasn't going for like the hottest experience, you know, like getting, getting the porn set up or whatever- 

Bill Joel Live That Night

But I really needed stimulation. Though it was only my imagination. It’s just a fantasy. It’s not the real thing.

Jay

I was just in the shower. Like, okay, let's take care of this. And it felt very helpful in that way to just, you know, get to somewhere a better energy balance. But uh, before committing to that, you know, there was this feeling of like, anything that feels like sex negativity for me, feels, feels, not, it isn't, but it feels like oppression or repression. 

Dave

Right. 

Jay

And that's, that's just my own history, yeah.

Dave

Those 10 years were when you were, you know, uh, like not with men, you were just, you were-

Jay

Yeah. Adult, but in the closet. So I would say it's really 15 years from like age whatever, puberty age, you know, 13 ish to about 27, 28. 

Dave

Yeah. 

Jay

So there were only a couple of times where I like was with men during that period. I had a couple of girlfriends during that period. I wasn't like meeting women to have sex with them because I didn't want to <laugh>. But I was, I was meeting, trying to meet women to be in relationships with because I thought that's what I wanted in my life. 

Dave

Right. 

Jay

Um, and we, there was sex in those relationships. I wouldn't say it's the best sex ever, but like there was, but the amount of repression was much higher than the amount of expression. And even the expression involved repression because it involved not being fully honest with another person. So it involved deception. 

Dave

Yeah. Right. 

Jay

So it involved lying and that, you know, that just was so seared into my experience that I feel like of all of the various paths, I'd sooner give up food than give up sex <laugh>. Like I, I just, and you know, maybe as I get a little older, obviously at, at 51 I'm almost 52 like my sex drive is not what it was. Which is maybe a good thing <laugh>, but, you know, so it's less like frequent, urgent, et cetera. But for me it's about, it is just the, the path that has worked for me has been one of affirmation, celebration. 

Dave

Yeah. 

Jay

You know what some people would call promiscuity and I would call delighting in this body.

Dave

Yeah. Isn't that also part of it too is like once you went through that expansion phase, you just took on a, a life of like embracing the sensuality and connecting that to [spirituality]

Jay

Oh, I had so much good sex for so long. It was so awesome. 

Dave

Yeah. 

Jay

<laugh> It was it was all pent up, right? And then like in my thirties, my thirties were in my twenties. Right? Because I didn't have my twenties.

Dave

Yeah. That's kind of what I'm going through. That's another thing we talked about was like living your, your twenties in your thirties, yeah.

Jay

Yeah. And it was for me, like, you know, and it was also like, you know, unfortunately, or whatever, like gay male culture, you know, it's pretty, it's pretty youth obsessed and like, you know, hotness obsessed. So like, I was still hot. Now I'm hot in a different way. Like there's like the whole daddy thing, which is fine, I'll work whatever works. But you know, back then, yeah, it was, and I'm really, you know, now I'm, you know, I have a kid, I live in the suburbs. Like, so like it's, it's different now 

Dave/Jay

<laugh> 

Jay

And I look back on those experiences and I'm just so glad that I had them. Most of 'em I don't really wanna have, again, like I don't need to have more threesomes in the back of a pickup truck at Burning Man. As good as those threesomes were, many times 

Dave/Jay

<laugh> 

Jay

Not all on trucks, but trucks, tents, whatever. And, you know, but like, yeah, it's just like, same with actually travel for me. Like I actually have no real desire to do a lot of traveling. There's like a few items on the bucket list, but like- 

Dave

That’s how I am about food now, actually.

Jay

Oh really? 

Dave

Yeah. 

Jay

Yeah. That would make sense.

Dave

Yeah, like, a foodie, I used to be obsessed with going to all the best restaurants, like whenever we traveled or in LA, and now like, it's like, so it's like I've had everything…Like I've had all the soda, candy, I mean, I mean even fancy food, like, I'll go with someone if they want to go to a nice restaurant, but I'd rather just like get rotisserie chicken and lettuce, like, or just-

Jay

Uh-huh. Interesting. Yeah, that makes sense, because like those pleasures, it's interesting with food because it's one of the few, it's one of the few pleasures that like, doesn't diminish with age, generally speaking, right? Like traveling gets more tiring, sex gets less rewarding. But like food, I could totally relate to that. I still do like, but it's true. I remember actually it was before my daughter was born, my partner and I used to eat out a lot and I do remember a feeling like it was like, is this all there is like good dinners?

Dave

No. Yeah. 

Jay

It was like, okay. Like, and we could get more critical about it. Like, oh, you know, this fancy French restaurant isn't quite as good. We did when we went to, um, yeah, when we traveled to Europe, which we haven't since my daughter's born, she's five now, so it's been five years. But like we do go, we went to some of the like, you know, Michelin star fancy restaurants to just have that aesthetic experience. But as you know, it's, you come out hungry a little bit. <laugh>. It's definitely about the food.

Dave

We went to the number one, like, what's that guy? Massimo (Bottura of Osteria Francescana), the guy, the guy that's in like- Some of this stuff is like blanked out of my consciousness. But like we went to like the number one restaurant that he had, like the Netflix special. 

Jay

<affirms> 

Dave

And like, yeah, we were like critical, like of the number one place in the world. 

Jay/Dave

<laugh>

Jay

Yeah, yeah. So you could. Right, that's one way to do it. It's just, say, get more and more bitchy and critical. And the other way is like. Yeah. I mean you've explored if I, I feel like, and I, I had this question arise for me a few months ago. Like, you want something to take its place, right? 

Dave

Yeah. 

Jay

So like, okay, not into food. So like what are you into, like, I think it is important to always have like, some growing part of- 

Dave

Yeah, I think I'm into people. Like I just love meeting people now…Like what are people's stories? Like what are the reasons why people do things? Like, you know, your book, I haven't read it, but the Jacob Frank [book], I read an interview, people were like, why did you choose this person? He's so like deranged in certain ways, but like, you just found him like very, very interesting. Like his choices were very fascinating. Maybe, did you wanna briefly describe him? Because he also had like a sexual element too.

Jay

Yeah. There it brings together a lot of the themes including Trump that we've talked about. Because Frank is a little bit Trumpy. 

Dave

Yeah. 

Jay

It was weird, you know, I started writing that, I started the research, the doctoral research in the two thousands. I mean, it's been 15 years that I've been working on it. And um, you know, when Trump arrived on the scene, let's say in 2016 in his current incarnation. Anyway, yeah. The similarities were so disturbing. I was sitting here with this book from the 17th century. So Jacob Frank was a heretic in the 18th century rather, um, who led the largest mass conversion in Jewish history in 1759. And he was very, he was never a Christian. He was always a heretic and had his own very strange Western esoteric-influenced theology of, uh, transgressing all of the laws of religion. And

Dave

That word is antinomianism.

Jay

Antinomianism, yeah. And um, so yeah, I was reading this, these texts from the 18th century and it was so similar to like what Frank, because Frank was like an egoist. He's like, I, only I can lead you. And I remember Trump said in 2016, Only I can save the country. And I was like, this is getting weird, man. I don't like, uh, and it's true. You know, I think, I don't know that, I think a lot of scholars view Jacob Frank the same way a lot of liberals would view Donald Trump like this irredeemable figure. Like why would you spend any time with him? But, you know, maybe unlike Trump, Frank also did have these really fascinating, innovative, weird ideas and um, you know, just a lot anticipated what a lot of us think, which is, you know, religion's promises don't, aren't true and you shouldn't, uh, hold back in, you know, your, your entire life on the basis of some false promise.

Dave

Yeah. 

Jay

And, um, sexuality plays into that as a kind of expression of the human spirit. So it's like, this is part, and he was what's perhaps most confusing. There's, so everything is most confusing about him, but one another confusing element, you know, he’s protofeminist actually, and so his daughter had a leadership role in the sect. Many women were sort of key leaders in the sect. 

Dave

Which was super rare. 

Jay

Yeah. In the 18th century. So he had also a kind of, this is sort of a slightly misogynistic, slightly, this is sort of a misogynistic idea that like women are more in the body and men are more in like the spirit and the mind. But he turned on its head. It's like, we need to be more in the body. Basically. We men need to be more like women, women as as defined in that way.

Dave

Yeah. Yes.

Jay

And, you know, these are, it was just what I've said on, on those other interviews about the book is like, I went to study Hasidism and you know, this enlightened, uh, Rabbi who I was fascinated in and who does play a key role, a big role in my book, Everything Is God, that I wrote a bunch of years ago. 

Dave

Yeah. I read that one. 

Jay

Yeah. But as an, as a scholar, I just, it wasn't interesting, you know, like there wasn't like, what's the question? You know, when you write a dissertation, it's like, well, what's your question? You know? And I didn't like, no matter how innovative his ideas were, he was gonna come back around to you knew what the answers were gonna be. It was gonna come back around to validating his traditional religious practice. And when I was reading Frank in the library, I didn't even know that his work had been translated into English. And there's a not, not very good English translation, but there is an English translation. And I was just like, it, you never knew where anything was gonna come out. It was so freeing and like radical and weird. And then, then as I read more, I became convinced that most scholars were wrong about him. So that's really exciting as a scholar, journalist or whatever. 

Dave

Yeah.

Jay

When you feel like you've discovered something. And yeah, it's funny, I, and, and I was just about to put that book in the rearview mirror, you know, and I was very happy about it, it's a part of my life, that academic work. But you know, as I'm sort of refocusing what I do with my time, like, I was like, okay. And then it won an award, <laugh>. 

Dave

Oh. 

Jay

So I was just being, I was just done with it <laugh> and like did the book tour, did those podcasts, whatever. And then like, then it won this award. So, I don't know, it's not like people are banging down my door wanting to hear more about Jacob Frank. But it was funny that, but then it, it did also like that award and the ceremony just a couple weeks ago, kind of like put a nice bow on it, you know? 

Dave

Yeah. Well, going back to like pop culture and spirituality and seed stuff. Like actually I went to this short film festival, uh, last week. It was, um, it was at this place called Brain Dead Studios. And uh, this guy, like Nick Harwood directed the final piece. And it was, um, this short film called The Big Draw.

Dave

And it was like people were really excited for it. He's like a big music video director for like Sophie and Charlie XCX, like cutting edge, you know, musicians. And the story was about seed retention. It was about a guy who is in the dating world and just having really bad sexual experiences and not getting his work done in college. And then he like finds this YouTube video for like a kind of like guru of this stuff, which is not, was not my experience, I just stumbled into this much more naturally. But then he listens to the guru and starts, you know, not masturbating and starts doing the practices. That's something that I haven't done is like the sexual kung fu. Are you aware of this kind of thing where you-

Jay

Yeah, I teach, I used to teach it <laugh> 

Dave

<laugh> Okay, amazing. 

Jay

Not that, not with that, not that exact thing. Whatever that term refers to. But I, there's a thing called Body Electric which uses, uh, holotropic breath work and erotic massage. And in my younger days, that was a big part of it. 

Dave

Okay. So then, and then the story, you know, keeps going and he does go through the process of getting rid of, uh, the pornography and increasing the stamina through that practice that we just brought up. And um, and he does have like a experience with a woman, but it's a very satirical movie. And the experience with the woman is very positive for him in certain ways. And then she like does this thing, where she plays with his id, this idea of him not ejaculating. Like she, he, they have sex for like hours and hours and hours, which was my experience when I did have a kind of friend around here. But, so he did, he did have this experience where he was with this woman and they had sex for hours and hours and hours. And then she does this thing where she wants him to finally come and they play with that. And then he does, and then he had like, this orgasm takes him to like a Walden-type place where it's, that's the essay he's working on in college is like a Walden essay.

Dave

And so I, I messaged the director and I was like, I love the sarcasm and the satire, but I also like sincerely went through this journey and I feel like there's like a nice edge here. And it didn't seem to be what that director, you know, he mentioned like that's a fair reading, you know, but that it didn't seem like that was his reading. 

Jay

Hm.

Dave

But like, it is more and more in the culture, because this is a very pop culturally like, uh, centered, uh, film festival. And so like I do think that this stuff is growing into the mainstream more and more. Because one thing you wanted to talk about was like, you feel like my connection to, uh, spirituality and also like pop culture is like rare. But I think like, I think like it's getting more and more not rare. 

Jay

Huh.

Dave

Like I think it's like, especially in LA, like you're in New York, but you know, we can go back to my particular experience. But, I think, what was different for me was I had so much pornography growing up. Like, did you?  I don't know, because your screenplay, one of one things that spoke to me, I don’t know if you can talk about it on, on the explicit level, but pornography is like a main theme of your screenplay. Are we gonna talk about it, or no? 

Jay

I don’t know. <laugh> You tell me what I'm supposed to do. <laugh>

Dave

I mean I think it's cool. I think it's cool to talk about things that are in process and it makes it manifest better. But you know, your screenplay is a story about like what's what's happening with like, music downloading and pornography and gay rights and you know, all in like that early two thousands era that I remember very well. I grew up in that time. I was in high school then too, and the characters are in high school. And, but I think what was different about that for me was like pornography was just, it was imprinted from, the first sexual experience was with pornography. And so that. 

Jay

Mm-hmm.

Dave

I never thought I could escape that. I just thought that that was just always gonna be part of my life because it had been a part of my life. And then it just complicated every. You talk about deception and lying in your sexual relationship. That's what it felt like. Was deception and lying. Was that there's all these, while I was having relationships with women or people, they were just, these things would come up from the pornography that would interfere with the experience of myself with that person. And so I wanted to like finally get rid of that. And I actually, like, I did read about no fap, I did go on the message boards, that I think this movie was making fun of. I didn't get so deep into it. Because I kind of figured out pretty quickly like, well I have all this like physical pain <laugh> after I watched pornography and like, it's like in my brain, my brain is like hurting every time. 

Jay

Hm.

Dave

It must be some sort of poison here. 

Jay

Mm-hmm.

Dave

Like it's not, I also got into like weirder and weirder things because like I had a good sex life in different relationships, but I wasn't able to be honest and be like, I'd like to also like to try this weird fetish. Right? I’d like to try this weird kink. 

Jay

Right. 

Dave

And so I would go to the pornography for that. But the pornography is not like a safe place to like, for me, to engage in a lot of these kinks. Because it's not like someone is caring about you and also engaging in the kink. They're like, No, this is like, this is like your, you know, humiliation, fetish, this is your like-

Jay

Right, right.

Dave

All the, all the things that are, you know, these are all legal things, but it's like all the things that they're doing to you are just, can be, you have no control over it. You can't be like, actually, that's too much. Or like, can you say it like this? Can you-

Jay

Yeah, no, exactly. Yeah. There's no safe word you have. 

Dave

No. 

Jay

Except for pause. Pushing the pause button.

Dave

Yeah <laugh> And then, and then there's like all these like, you know, people are editing them even more and more into like extremely fast.

Jay

Oh. Interesting. Okay.

Dave

You know, talk about synchronicities, the reason I quit-

Jay

That’s the TikTokization of porn. That's a, it's terrible.

Dave

It’s unreal. It is. Like, it's.

Jay

Just the one thing, I don't, I sound very old anytime I talk about TikTok, but like the, the, the speed of the cuts and whatever the edits and ugh, I hate that so much. 

Dave

You know what kinda pornography I'm talking about? Where it's like?

Jay

Yeah, I actually, I've seen a few, I don't even, I don't stay on that <laugh> for long. 

Dave

Yeah, it feels very overwhelming. 

Jay

Yeah. That's why TikTok actually hurts my brain. Like, you know, not just, a regular TikTok, but when it's been like edited, you know, two second, one second, two seconds, one seconds. I like, my, I guess it's my old Gen X brain can't handle it.

Dave

It moves your nervous system in a way that it was not meant to be.

Jay

I think it's a disaster <laugh> So I'm putting in the show notes, aka our chat window, uh, a book by a friend of mine, named Don Shewey. The book is called Paradox of Porn.

Jay

And it's a really interesting, you know, the paradox is that on the one hand, so he, so Don works with gay male communities and the book is wider than that. But like, the example, like porn can be very liberating for people. Like whether you're, so if you're exploring your sexuality right, and you get to, you get to know [it better]. And that was true for me in my twenties actually.

Dave

Oh OK.

Jay

Like part of understanding, because for me, I didn't have porn accessible in my teens. Right. Cause like my teens were still the eighties.

Dave

Right, you’re older.

Jay

Yeah. Yeah. No, it was, there was no internet, man. So like, I remember it was literally old school, like the, you know, like the guy would, like, somebody would bring like an old playboy like that he stole from his dad and like, it was like very old school. 

Dave

Wow. 

Jay

Which for me, for me, I think is, is actually part of what's in the screenplay is like this, you know? 

Dave

Yeah. 

Jay

It's just like, it was a revolution. Right. The internet was like a revolution, you know, in that, in that way, and in every other way. Um, anyway, so for Don's book, the Paradox of Porn, like the paradox is on the one hand it can be so liberating and you know, you can get to know, know yourself and on the other hand, right, it can be literally addictive. 

Dave

Yeah. 

Jay

And you know, for people who are, and I've, you know, I've definitely gone through periods where it's like too much porn, you know, too much. Like, and, it's a, and then I go back to some kind of, you know, just rationing like, okay, maybe every other day or whatever. Again, this is when I was younger. Um, so no, I totally get it. And there's that, what was the movie with uh, Joseph Gordon Levitt where he plays like

Dave

Yeah. Don Jon. Yeah.

Jay

Yeah, yeah. It's funny because like I've had a crush on Joseph Gordon Levitt, he's like exactly my age. Like we were kids together and I already had a crush on him when, you know, in Third Rock. I was like his age so it wasn't pervy cuz we were the same age. And I was like, and then like he got older and like hotter and hotter and hotter. So it was so funny to see him in this like, kind of tragic role, right? Like tragic sexual role, right? Where he is like jerking off all the time. No, I, I totally get it. 

Dave

It was actually the first movie that I screened at the screening room at my day job. 

Jay

Oh wow. 

Dave

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jay

I thought it was a really daring film. Precisely because it maybe was a little ahead of its time. Because I think now maybe also like post-me-too and stuff, you know, like part of the challenge is like, especially with porn, especially for straight men, like- 

Dave

Yeah. 

Jay

A lot of what's in the porn is like definitely not okay anymore <laugh> in the real world, right? 

Dave

Yeah. 

Jay

Like it used to be, not that you would ever do exactly what's in porn films, but like, you know, men don't treat women well in a lot of pornography, to put it mildly. 

Dave

Yeah. 

Jay

But like, you know, you could kind of, I don't wanna say get away with it, but like that was a little more normalized, you know, maybe 20 years ago. 

Dave

Yeah.

Jay

Like, whereas now, the gulf between porn and reality or acceptable reality, um, you know, is is much wider. Uh, I wouldn't be surprised. I feel like there's a lot of like, things that are kind of good for you that may stay just nichey. Like they won't like be from the next yoga, but like, what's the Wim Hoff stuff, like the cold shower thing, you know about that.

Dave

Oh sure. I'm very into that. Yeah.

Jay

So, so you're like a, you're a, uh, what. You're an aficionado, you're a, a gourmet, a gourmet spiritual experimenter…seed retention being another one of those things. So there's like taking cold showers. There's that, there's like eating, you know, this way, that way. Doing H-I-I-T work workouts, you know, and like, I think that this, I think that whether it's formally seed retention or just like less porn or something, or porn fasting, you know, so Don actually leads, leads people on a 30-day porn cleanse. 

Dave

Right. 

Jay

You know, and just like, and you need a freaking support group for it because you're, you've been using it and then you suddenly go cold turkey. It's hard, right?

Dave

Yeah. It was, uh, it was the hardest I've, because I've quit caffeine, alcohol, cannabis, cigarettes, like-

Jay

Yeah, you're nuts. I love caffeine.

Dave

I’ve quit a lot of things <laugh> But like, I would say the hardest one to quit physiologically was pornography. Like, it was- 

Jay

Interesting. 

Dave

It made me, it made me pretty insane.

Jay

As a parent. The idea of quitting caffeine feels like so beyond the pale, like-

Dave

You have so much more energy.

Jay

I know people say that, maybe one day.

Dave

Yeah. 

Jay

When you, when you have to wake up at 7:00 AM and like you just have to because that's when your kid is up. And like-

Dave

I can't speak to that. I'm not a parent, but I will say that like, I do not have the same problem with waking up like that, that I used to where I would before I would have like five or six cups of coffee every day. And then I would like-

Jay

Oh, you're a five-cup person. Oh, okay. I'm a two-cuper. So you're-

Dave

That's different. That's different. Yeah.

Jay

<laugh> So what vice that you've given up, were you not like massively? Like how much did you drink? Were you like <laugh>? 

Dave

I mean, I was, I would, I would. Okay. Well, so-

Jay

You're Enneagram sevening the fuck outta this. 

Dave

Yeah, I know.

Jay

Like, it's like first you’re like hardcore in and then you're hardcore out <laugh>

Dave

I'll say that the one book that was extremely helpful was a book called Dopamine Nation, which is related to the Wim Hoff.

Jay

Totally. I wish everybody would like, if not read the book, read a review of that book.

Dave

Sure, or a podcast of it, whatever. Yeah. Because what it explains is that if you cut out, basically what happened to me, is when you cut out pornography, which is like any moment you can have sex with any amount of people, you know, anywhere you go, without any effort. And then, and then what happens is, like, I would watch pornography after the marriage, it became more, more that instead of, you know, regular sex life and um, and like then I would just automatically want to eat fast food and I wanted to eat-

Jay

Huh. Wow.

Dave

Yeah. 

Jay

Interesting.

Dave

Because I've cut out fried food and I've cut out fast food, but it wasn't, it's not willpower. Because when, when you're talking about cutting things out like there's no willpower involved anymore, it's like-

Jay

But that’s right. No, I think that's a key point for listeners, I think for any of these positive habits, right? It's like the willpower may be a gateway. Like you may have, you may need willpower for some period of time. 

Dave

Yeah. 

Jay

But when you do get habituated, you know, you're, you do rewire and this is in Dopamine Nation you like you do rewire your reward circuits. 

Dave

Right. 

Jay

And they, and they get wired better, right? And so you, you get the same, you get all of the, like, you get all of those rewards, but in a more concentrated and like better way. Right? So like, instead of like having 50 or 60 or a hundred little dopamine hits a day, you know, maybe you get like one or two or something, but they're, you know, they're really juicy. Right? And it's like they're really satisfying. Right? No, I think the hedonistic case for cutting things out is underrated.

Dave

Well, I think, I think actually because I think that when you said one or two, I think it's actually just a, a stream of good feeling instead of like bad then peaks.

Jay

You’re just in the zone?

Dave

You're just, you’re just constantly in flow state for me, more and more, which feels like more of like a natural like enlightenment experience than kind of

Jay

Yeah. That's more than I am <laugh> 

Dave

<laugh>

Jay

I'm not natural flow state all the time. 

Dave

I dunno. 

Jay

I like my one or two dopamine hits a day.

Dave

<laugh> Okay, well.

Jay

But they're not, again, like, they're not the cheap-ass dopamine hits. Like yesterday I was on, um, I was in the city yesterday, it came back, I was on the train and um, just like looking, I was, I was gonna do some work on the train, but I was a little tired. So kind of stared out the window and there's just this beautiful cinematic effect. The New Jersey transit windows are really gross and grimy because it goes through the gross and grimy part. And like, so the sunlight was like bouncing off the gross and grimy part and there was like a little lattice effect from something outside, from like a, you know, thing out, structure outside. And it was just like so beautiful and it was just this gorgeous little, it was that American beauty moment with the paper bag, the plastic bag, you know?

Dave

Yeah. 

Jay

But, but for real, you know, <laugh> not the cheesy one. It was just like, you know, I was like, this is so, this is so nice. Like this is so beautiful and then it passed and like yeah, those like little moments feel really affirming. And that to me is also like a key thing for parenting. Because there those moments come and go very quickly with a kid and then you're back to like the less delightful parts. And, um, yeah, for me, like that's just like mindfulness 101, like where it's like there's a moment that's really, you know, lovely in that little moment that if you, if you don't, as Ferris Bueller said, you know, life goes by pretty fast <laugh> If you don't stop and look around, you might miss it. Uh, that's, the great wisdom that your enlightened rabbi Buddhist master teacher has to offer you. Ferris Bueller. 

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Part 2 of The Shuffle Synchronicities Podscript 🎙📇 with Jay Michaelson

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Previously…

Dave

One thing to add to that is like, I feel like Deepak Chopra says something really interesting that always stuck with me is that with, some of my work that you've read a lot of, is that, synchronicity is actually one of the signs of like awakening and of, you know, mystical experiences that like, they keep, the more they keep happening, the more they keep like happening to you and people are around you. Like that is a sign that you are on the, either on the right path or that you are awakening. Because the practice of doing the synchronicities, on the shuffle, you know, it's continued even though I don't write about it every day. It's continued like all the time. 

Dave

You asked about the Billy Joel concert. I haven't told this story yet because I haven't got it on onto the Shuffle yet, but you were like, there was so much emotionality in that Billy Joel concert. And, um, and what happened was, I'll just tell a story now because it maybe comes out better auditory-wise, is that we, my sister, we chose this date for her to visit, to go see Billy Joel. Because like my dad, he, the first three CDs he ever gave us, one of them was Billy Joel, a double album.

Dave

And it became a family album. Like, it was just like what we listened to all the time. Because it was like a five CD changer as you remember. And the car, you know, they didn't have, you couldn't have like an iPod even, and so that was our album that was just, it was as a family.

Jay

The Greatest Hits one? That double album? 

Dave

Yeah. The Greatest. The Double Greatest Hits. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And, uh, so we go, we got horrible seats. Like I got what we could afford, you know, I thought like SoFi was gonna be more like The Hollywood Bowl where, you know, there’s not really a bad seat, but we are in like the nosebleeds. So we get to the front and this couple, or they're a guy and a girl, and, um, they come up and they're like, do you guys have, uh, floor seats? And we're like-

Jay

<laugh> We are not on the floor <laugh>

Dave

No, we're not on the floor. And then, then he was like, now you do, he just slapped two floor seats into my hand and went on their way. And I, I was a little over overwhelmed, so I just kind of asked the ticket person. I was like, so which is which, what should I use? Like I didn't, I had no concept for, for, for some reason why floor would be better than whatever we had. And they looked at the two tickets and they were like, like obviously like go to the floor, like do not go to like, you know, the 300th whatever row.

Jay

Oh, so you weren't yet up in the nose bleeds.

Dave

No this is like just like-

Jay

Like in the entry or, whatever.

Dave

Entryway, yeah. They just, and so they were walking down to the floor, and this is a little sidebar, but just my sister did not know what had happened. She just was not paying attention. So she just was like confused why we're like, going, speaking about charm. She always thinks I have like, such a charmed life.

Jay

Well this definitely is good evidence for that <laugh>, right?

Dave

<laugh> Right. So then, then she's like, I need to use the restroom. I was like, let's see, if we can go out here. And then like they see our red armband that we got because of the floor seats and they let us out into the VIP section and she goes to the bathroom and then we're like in the VIP section. And then I'm, and she, I'm like, do you wanna stay here or do you wanna go down there? And she's like, well this is pretty good, we’re in the VIP section, cause, and then I'm like, well let's, let's, let's go down there. And then we go down to the floor area and it's like a hundred yard football field, you know, it's a big, big football field, so we could be anywhere on the floor. And I just keep showing the ushers the ticket and they're like, no, no, no. Like keep, keep going!

Jay/Dave

<laugh>

Dave

Closer, get closer to the stage. And finally we get to like the 25th row and we meet up with the people, they're laughing, they're like, yeah, we just like chose you guys. We just thought like, you should come to this, like these seats with us. Because like, he's a mixer of like, Stevie Nick's like assistant mixer, and many others, like Lil’ Wayne.

Jay

Oh wow. So, he had like Stevie tickets or whatever.

Dave

Yeah. Like band tickets for working that job. 

Dave

And um, but then like, it gets weirder because, uh-

Jay

It gets weird. Dude, it's already very weird.

Dave

Oh, sorry. Yeah, the woman, the woman is like a musician and she's like crying during Stevie Nicks. 

Dave

And then that intermission, she's like, so Stevie Nicks is like the, the musician that my mom turned me onto that like- 

Jay

Oh wow.

Jay

Like you and Billy Joel, yeah.

Dave

Yeah. Who like, who like got me into music. 

Dave

And then I'm like, well that's like why we came, you know, because of my dad and because of, you know, our dad died. Uh, and, and then it gets even weirder because she's like, well my mom passed away. 

Dave

You know, and then like, this is not until the encore that we get to this part, which is that like, like she shares that her mom died of uh, of a suicide. 

Dave

Of a suicide, but not just like a regular, you know, there's many kinds of suicides, but a similar suicide to my dad where my dad had, uh, kidney failure from the medicine he took, the psychiatric medicine, he took like building up and stuff. And so his suicide was mental health related. Like he did have whatever bipolar that we, you know, we may or may not have, or had, both of us.

Dave

But he did kind of choose to die because of, you know, the kidney failure and what it was doing to our family and, and himself. 

Dave

And so she had a similar thing. She had cancer.

Dave

She had, uh, liver failure and she decided to take her life.

Dave

So it was the same like reason. And it was also 2019, same year. And it was the same month February, 2019. So, we're just like freaking out!

Jay

<laugh>

Dave

Cause it just felt like-

Jay

Yeah, they were like, obviously they like gave you these tickets.

Dave

Like, you know, how out of all like thousands of people did they choose us to go with them? And so yeah, we’ve stayed a little bit in touch like, you know.

Dave

And I don't know, it's just like one of those things. So, um, the long, long way of saying this is like these synchronicities were not part of my life.

Dave

You know, in the same, in the same way at all. I mean really at all.

Jay

I wanna go back to the synchronicities thing because it's an edge issue for me. And by edge here, I mean like where I get uncomfortable, but in a good way. 

Dave

Okay. 

Jay

Like not an unsafe, uncomfortable or just to like, but where I start getting like a weird feeling of like weirdness.

Jay 

Um, is around some of the like woowoo sides of spiritual practice.

Dave

Yeah. Yeah. 

Jay

So by Woowoo side, I just mean Woowoo being like, the way that, you know, conventional Western reality operates is like wrong in some respect. <laugh>. So this would be one of them, right? 

Dave

Yeah!

Jay

So what's funny about me <laugh> (joking) Here's what's funny about me! Like I simultaneously have a lot of these experiences and continue to doubt them. 

Dave 

Oh wow.

Jay

And this is one example. So like the synchronicity thing. So like my first gut response is a doubt response of like, well, you're just noticing, it's just pattern recognition. You're just like, look, you're noticing coincidences more. But that isn't my actual experience <laugh> 

Dave/Jay

<laugh>

Jay

My actual, like, my actual experience if I look and it, it's fun. It's fun that you did it like almost scientifically. Like before this was not happening. And now. And that's my experience too. Like the more closer I get to operating from in some degree of alignment or that quality or aspect of ourselves that is plugged in and connected and, you know, loving and wise and expanded mind, all of those, that thing, the closer I am, it is true that I do find like more synchronicity things happening, <laugh> and, um, you know, look, even in my career, right? It's like, and we do know, so in some cases there's like a Western explanation, right? And in relationship and in sexuality there's one too, right? Like when you're like needing something too much, you're too thirsty, too hungry, sexually, I mean.

Dave

Right. 

Jay

You know, the other person can feel that, right? You're like coming up to them at a bar and they're like, and you're like [too much] Yeah!…It's not, whereas when the person is like kind of self-contained in a way, and like they feel good, they're, maybe they're interested, maybe they're expressing interest. 

Dave

Yeah.

Jay

But they're not like, you know, reaching and grabbing. That's, you know, there seems to be like a physical hormonal thing that happens, right? So like, but it's not just that, right? Like, I do find, I mean, I don't, I still don't have as many weird experiences as the one you just described. Although I can meet your weird experience by telling you that my mother, uh, died not by choice, but a little bit, of kidney failure related to chemotherapy. 

Dave

Wow. 

Jay

And it was, um, 2016, 2015, January, 2015. And she, she didn't take her own life actively, but she did decide to stop doing treatment because it was just not- 

Dave

Yeah.

Jay

You know, she'd had cancer and we, she was very, she put on a really good fight. Like she really worked hard, uh, throughout 2014. And either the cancer or the chemo caused the kidney failure. We'll never know which, but like then it was kidney disease and the doctors were like, well, here's what we can do. 

Dave

Yeah. 

Jay

You know, and she just decided not to do that. And we were, my sister and I were very supportive of that, uh, decision. And, um, so even there we're a little bit synchronicity <laugh> 

Dave

Yeah. Yeah. 

Jay

Synchronistically aligned. I can, I can compare the two, a little mix of your father and her mother.

Dave

Right, right.

Jay

But no, that does explain it. It's funny I have this, lightening up a little bit, but like, I have this funny also relationship with Billy Joel, because I don't really much like him anymore <laugh> 

Dave

Yeah, you said that.

Jay

He was like, he was like my favorite favorite.

Jay

I remember clearly, you know, I think I said this in the email when I was 10 or 11, I was at Camp Ramah Jewish summer camp. Uh, and there was this guy who, I guess he was like 19 or 20 but old, right? <laugh> 

Dave

Yeah, yeah. 

Jay

And he had like a tiny little, like a dinky kind of portable keyboard. This was like the eighties, right? And he could play like any Billy Joel song and then he like went to the pianos that were in camp and he could play, you know, the Billy Joel song, uh, prelude Angry Young Man, which is like the like really fast intro, da da da dun dun dun. It's like very fast.

Dave

I don't even know if know that one.

Jay

Oh well. Yeah. So I can now play that f--ng song. Actually, it would be fun to go to the piano and see if I still can, it's been definitely 10 years since I last tried to play it.

Jay

Anyway, so he was like the coolest guy. And now I look at this guy, he's like, you know, some like nerdy Jewish guy at like Camp Ramah, but whatever. At the time he was God, right? 

Dave

Yeah. 

Jay

And so, you know, I got into it through him. My first, uh, was it, oh, my first album may have been Pacman Fever, but my second one was The Nylon Curtain <laugh>, the Billy Joel Nylon Curtain. Which is funny because it's kind of like a little more like, it’s not your typical Billy Joel album, but that was the one that was new at the time.

Dave

Yeah.

Jay

I have clear memories of dancing to it in my living room with my mom and like getting really into it. And then, I mean, I think I know every single Billy Joel song that exists. Like I could quote some lines from every song. 

Dave

Yeah. 

Jay

But, and then I've seen him a lot. It was also, he was my first concert, I saw him at Madison Square Garden.

Dave

Oh no way. 

Jay

Yeah. 

Dave

Doesn't he play there monthly or something like that?

Jay

Now, yeah. This was way, this was a long, long time ago. I think it was 1982. 

Dave

Wow. 

Jay

So 1982 I was in Madison Square Garden. My sister, for some reason we sat actually like where the press usually sits.

Jay

Like there's like little tables in front of us, whatever. Like, I guess maybe for sports setups, that's where the, you know, the reporters are, whatever. So we sat there and like, yeah. That was, you know, a peak experience at age, uh, 11 or whatever. Um, and then, you know, his, like, his life is like, he, he's kind of a jerk in certain ways and like.

Dave

Yeah, is that why you stopped liking him?

Jay

No, I think. 

Jay

You know, like I just outgrew him, you know, I don't, his music's not really that good in certain ways. Like, he's obviously a master of the pop song, right. And like, he has a way, but you know, lyrics are a little cheesy. Like whatever. I'm still not, I'm not anti, I'm definitely like, I'm not a hater by any means, but like, so I have a fondness for him in my heart because just, that's where he was in my life.

Dave

You've talked about, in your book Enlightenment by Trial and Error. You talk about how that like part of awakening, oneness, the awakening, is like losing that judgment, aesthetic judgment.

Jay

Hmm?

Dave

Remember that from your intro? Your book? 

Jay

Really?

Dave

Yeah. You talk about like 

Jay

<laugh>

Dave

No, no, you talk about that.

Jay

I’m still so judgy. 

Dave

But that, like, for me, part of that was I had so much studying of aesthetic judgment. Like I was a, a screenplay analyst at the talent agency for many years, and I would have to like, you know, read tons of 'em every week. And I was a book reader or accompany in publishing before that. And so like, I had such aesthetic judgment about music and in all culture that like, it was like debilitating. And now

Jay

Mhhm.

Dave

To be free of that is like, that's like, that's like one of the biggest things is like, I just love every piece of content and media. I could find the value in anything. And so, like, you're right. Like, uh, I was telling my sister like 10 years ago if we had saw Billy Joel, I would've been like, oh, like I would've been maybe not saying the way you are. Maybe even, I would say even worse. I'd be like, ah, like this is like, I can't, I can't listen to this. This is no good. Like I understand all the reasons why he's cheesy.

Jay

Yeah. Let me, let me be clear. Like if if Billy Joel tickets dropped in my lap right now, A, I would go and B, I'd have a great time.

Jay

And I think for similar reasons, like he offers what he offers, you know? 

Dave

Yeah. 

Jay

Like, he may, this is what's funny about Billy Joel. Like, I think he like thinks sometimes of himself like, I am Paul McCartney or whatever. 

Jay

And like he's just not, but like, okay, fine. 

Jay

You know, like, scenes from an Italian restaurant, right. This like epic song.

Dave

He had an opera singer during it.

Jay

Oh really? 

Dave

Yeah. 

Jay

At once. Like really brilliant. Oh, was she doing the like the part, the high part like, (singing up and down) uhhhhhhh, like the vocal part of it?

Dave

Literally it was like an operatic singer was brought out for like the intro and then also interlude in the middle of it. Just like-

Jay

Yeah. That interlude. Yeah.

Dave

Like completely separate, like, like from the rest of the regular recording. Yeah.

Jay

Interesting. Yeah.

So like, you know, that song like pretty cheesy in a lot of ways. 

Jay

It's also totally brilliant. 

Jay

Now Bohemian Rhapsody a similar epic from that period. 

You know, similar in certain ways also, like there's some cheesy elements, but like, come on man, that’s just like the definition of a classic, at least Bohemian Rhapsody is right, like-

Jay

So yeah, I mean I'm not like into him, into him.

Dave

Right.

Jay

Like, you know, I was listening to like chill-wave and like electronic music this morning <laugh> and like getting ready for today. But, and like I don't think I've ever put on Billy Joel in that context, but like, you know. Yeah, no, I totally agree. I think the only kinds of, there's only a few kinds of music that I can't really get into and probably we have a difference on this a little bit, you know, where there's like real like violence and/or misogyny in the music. Like- 

Jay

I'm not canceling it from a canceling perspective. I just like, I just do not, and you know, that includes like a lot of really good hip hop. Right?

Jay

It's funny because like I wanna, like, first of all, I wanna be sensitive to like any like race elements. So I might use Eminem as my example, right? Since he's like the white guy. But like-

Jay

So I wanna be aware of that. But also like, it just, you know, and like, what's the weirdest example of that actually is like a lot of like reggae and reggaton and stuff. Because like the, so, you know, Jamaica has a lot of homophobia in it basically. And a lot of the stars are pretty, are not so great. Not like Bob Marley or people like that, but like, you know, a lot of the more edgier, uh, musicians.

Jay

There it feels like almost a little bit personal, but like-

Jay

On the misogyny and violence stuff. It's just like, I don't know. Like I don't want those vibes, you know? 

Dave

Right.

Jay

And, and again, like I'm copping to whatever dumb prejudices I may be incubating here, but like, other than that though, you know, even country music, you know, even where I know that the musicians are like, I don't see the world the way that they see it. I can still totally, like, I see it. This is gonna sound funny, but this is why I'm gonna say it. It's very similar to religion for me. 

Dave

<affirms>

Jay

Because, so like when I read, like I just was in an exchange with a student of mine, uh, this week and he's doing a thing, there's a really cool project called Torahta, which is, it just gender switches the gender of everything in the Torah. Like that's all it does. It just switches every gender, right? So every time it's like, it's a man, it's a woman. Vice versa, God of course is female. Torahta literally means her Torah.

Dave

Yeah.

Jay

And like, they don't, it's not like filled with like commentary. It's just like, look at how different this is when it's changed. And my student wrote me this thing of like, you know, is it okay to like change the canon in this way? And I was like, I don't really see, I don't operate with the idea of canon anymore. Like it's like, you know, when I see an offensive text in a religious context, like I'm not interested in reconciling my life to that text. Like that that text is, is not, is not operative for me, but also that's not the end. Right? Where I think it's similar to Billy Joel is <laugh> Um, I am interested in like, what would it be like to have a belief in this text that was nourishing or like, why would someone ever say this? So I'm doing some teaching at a Jewish holiday, Shavout, here in New Jersey in a few weeks. And we're looking at like texts of resilience and like making sense of difficulty. It's like one of those in the Jewish context, there's a prayer, which I'm sure you know, but you know, there's a prayer on Yom Kippur, which is like, who will live, and who will die, who by fire. Leonard Cohen has a great, you know, version of this.

Jay

It's much better than the original, the song of his. And I don't believe in that at all. I don't have that view, that there is this anthropomorphic deity that the anthropomorphic deity is judging us and writing us in one book or another. That our fate is ordained on Yom Kippur based on our morality and based on this like Old Testament morality and this God, this deity, even writes down, you know, how you're gonna die. Like that's, I don't have any belief in any of those <laugh> things, but I am really captivated or interested in how that could be supportive for someone. Like, somebody wrote that. 

Dave

Right.

Jay

There's a whole myth by the way of how that was, how that poem was written, which I'll skip, but somebody wrote that as a poem and, and meant it and what would it be like to like, so what's its self-conception? So for Billy Joel, like, you know, like I can appreciate what he's doing. Like, and he's so good at so many things really, but like at these, at these things that he does that like, that's more interesting to me than my own like, or dislike.

Thanks for reading Part 2 of the Podscript🎙📇!

And for supporting Volume 2 of Shuffle Synchronicities.

Part 3 will be emailed soon!

The next segment will focus on sexuality and spirituality including both Dave and Jay’s experience with ‘seed retention’

Don’t want to wait for all the Podscript posts to be emailed to you?

The audio of the full Podcast is already available to listen to here:

Podcast 🎙 with Jay Michaelson

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Hope you enjoy the rest of the posts to come

Your day

And your life!

A: We used to do these daily, so…

Q: Can you make it shorter?

A: Yeah, it’s just an update.

Q: About what?

A: After I finished the post, around 11 PM last night, I received a message from a person in my life, who wanted to come over.

Q: Come over to do what?

A: …

Q: Oh!

A: Yeah, and no joke/no lie, the song that came on again out of over 95,000 songs happened to be another song from that Jay-Z and Kanye Watch The Throne album, which there are 12 of, so that means 12 out of 95,642 songs, which is a .012 % chance or .00012 % chance, still can’t figure out the math again ;)

And this wasn’t a shuffle forward, which some people point out sometimes seems to not so randomly play other songs from the same albums, but it was a completely fresh shuffle of the Liked Songs playlist, and it was:

“New Day” by JAY-Z, Kanye West

And it’s all about JAY-Z and Kanye talking to their potential future sons and giving them advice about how they can live a new day a little or a lot better than them:

KANYE:

Yeah, uh (sun in the sky, you know how I feel)
me and the RZA connect (breeze driftin' on by)
Yeah, me and the RZA connect (breeze driftin' on by)
(It's a new life for me, for me, for me, for me)
(Ooh, ooh, and I'm feelin' good)

Yeah uh, and I'll never let my son have an ego
He'll be nice to everyone, wherever we go
I mean, I might even make 'em be Republican
So everybody know he love white people
And I'll never let 'em leave his college girlfriend
And get caught up with the groupies in the whirlwind
And I'll never let 'em ever hit the telethon
I mean even if people dyin' and the world ends
See, I just want him to have an easy life, not like Yeezy life
Just want him to be someone people like
Don't want him to be hated, all the time, judged
Don't be like your daddy that would never budge
And I'll never let him ever hit a strip club
I learned the hard way, that ain't the place to get love
And I'll never let his mom move to L.A.
Knowin' she couldn't take the pressure, now we all pray

JAY-Z:

me and the RZA connect
(For me, for me) me and the RZA connect (ooh, ooh)
(And I'm feelin' good)

Sorry junior, I already ruined ya
'Cause you ain't even alive, paparazzi pursuin' ya
Sins of a father make yo' life ten times harder
I just wanna take ya to a barber
Bondin' on charters, all the shit that I never did
Teach ya good values, so you cherish it
Took me twenty six years to find my path
My only job is cuttin' the time in half
So at thirteen we'll have our first drink together
Black bar mitzvahs, mazel tov, mogul talk
Look a man dead in his eyes
So he know you talk truth when you speak it, give your word, keep it
And if the day comes I only see him on the weekend
I just pray we was in love on the night that we conceived him
Promise to never leave him even if his mama tweakin'
Cause my dad left me and I promise never repeat him
Never repeat him, never repeat him

SAMPLE:

(sun in the sky, you know how I feel)

(breeze driftin' on by)

(It's a new life for me, for me, for me, for me)
(Ooh, ooh, and I'm feelin' good)

Q: Which felt like your Dad, who you sometimes personify as the spirit at large?

A: Yeah, that it was OK to publish the shameful things. And it continues to be a new life for me.

Q: And you’re feeling good?

A: Yep, at the moment at least. Dr. Consecrence aka Con/Jur/D from after I referenced his unpublished guest post about Chapel Perilous did write a comment, which was that:

A: But for now I’ve defined my current sexuality as:

Q: So on the day your Haggadah was released on the first night of Passover into the world so was…?

A: Well, it was actually the next morning…What Rabbi Jay Michaelson and I talked about in this podcast about the benefits of no pornography/no masturbation/no orgasm without a partner…is kind of pretty true…

Q: I thought we were going to keep it short?

A: Yes, one last shuffle to report?

Q: Fine, but just the context and the song and the lyrics, don’t overanalyze?

A: Me, overanlyze?

Q: …

A: As I left the person this morning to go to the day job, I shuffled in my car, for the second time, and got no joke/no lie:

“Picture You Naked” by Maddy Hicks

I don't wanna look at you
Give it all away, even though I did
Just the other day, is it on my face?
I'm afraid that you’ll make me
Let a little something slip
That I shouldn't say, with everybody here
Driving me insane, is it on your brain?
All the ways that you make me

(Ah, ah)
Sit on my hands 'cause they're shaking
How do I look at you without breaking?
[Chorus]
People always say, "Just picture them naked"
But we've gone all the way, rounded all of the bases
It doesn't help my nerves, I just wanna recreate it
Oh, fuck, now I'm trying not to picture you
Picture you naked

Trying not, I'm trying not to picture you naked
Trying not, I'm trying not to picture you naked

Didn't mean to touch your hand
Not that you can't but now that we did
I don't know where we stand
You and me again
Should we kiss, should we make out?

(Ah, ah)
Drowning in anticipation
How do I look at you without breaking?

People always say, "Just picture them naked"
But we've gone all the way, rounded all of the bases
It doesn't help my nerves, I just wanna recreate it
Oh, fuck, now I'm trying not to picture you
Picture you naked

On the couch, on the counter
At my house, doesn't matter
Go to yours if you'd rather
I picture you naked
In my car, at the door
In my bed, on the floor
I've stopped keeping score
I picture you naked

People always say, "Just picture them naked"
But we've gone all the way, rounded all of the bases
It doesn't help my nerves, I just wanna recreate it
Oh, fuck, now I'm trying not to picture you
Picture you naked

Trying not, I'm trying not to picture you naked
Trying not, I'm trying not to picture you naked
I don't know how to stop, I picture you naked
Trying not, I'm trying not to picture you naked

The following is an interview with the author of this Substack and the above books on his new sweatshirt that arrived late tonight…

Q: What is the author of five Haggadahs doing on the first night of Passover?

A: He is at home alone.

Q: I thought he was hosting a Seder?

A: Not until April 15th.

Q: Did you turn down invitations to Seders?

A: No.

Q: So no one invited you to a Seder?

A: Nope.

Q: And you didn’t try to invite yourself to one?

A: No.

Q: Why?

A: I don’t know. Probably too much pride.

Q: How does it feel to be home alone on the first night of Passover?

A: Quite sad in the first draft of this interview.

Q: Have you been feeling quite sad throughout all of this Passover leadup?

A: I’ve been feeling quite happy and then quite sad and then quite happy and then quite sad and then quite happy and then you get it, over and over.

Q: That doesn’t sound good?

A: It is what it is.

Q: Why do you say that?

A: I think I deserve it.

Q: For what?

A: For writing the Kanye Haggadah.

Q: Do you wish you hadn’t written it?

A: No. Well. Sometimes. Sometimes I wish I didn’t write any of the Haggadahs.

Q: Why?

A: Because I think, I’m realizing, they center me, in the holiday. Especially this book with its self-inserts. And I think it makes people assume I’d only want to read one of my Haggadahs at a Seder. So if I’m not hosting it, why would anyone invite me? Because then they’d have to read my Haggadah or risk themselves or me or anyone else at their Seder being uncomfortable with me not reading one of them.

Q: That sounds like a predicament?

A: Yes.

Q: Or maybe it’s in your head?

A: It feels very Libra Full Moon in Aries, doesn’t it?

Q: Oh no, Astrology, more alienation of others...?

A: I’ll just say it another way. All of this self-centeredness, this writing of a Haggadah by ‘me’ (Aries) what good is it if I have no one to spend the holiday with (Libra)?

Q: So what are the quite happy parts of any of this?

A: Well, I did shuffle when my neighbors’ friends all started to arrive at their Seder. Felt like dozens of them. I saw the neighbor today. And probably could have said. “Hey. I don’t have a Seder. Could you invite me to yours? I promise I won’t make you read my Haggadahs.” But I didn’t stomach up the courage. Or rather, I think I repressed the anxiety, shame, and anger. And didn’t even realize I could have asked.

Q: I still don’t sense much happiness yet?

A: So yeah I felt pretty overwhelmed with negativity at that point as the people kept walking up, knocking on, then opening the neighbor’s door and going inside. I’m not going to say thoughts of suicide. But you know suicidality. Which is just a fancy way of saying thoughts about the idea of suicide. But no actual desire or plan or whatever to do such a thing. Just a lot of pain. Well, actually all that is a fancy way of saying that I am/was feeling the consequences of my behavior, decisions, lifestyle, etc.

Q: Still um no happiness?

A: Well, I do think the Kanye Haggadah despite its self-centeredness, how it was really only for an audience of me, and Ye, and maybe a few other people…I don’t even really know at this point if it’s for anyone else. I do believe it had an impact.

Q: Do you mean your Instagram post?

A: Yes, that one, it’s pretty much unreadable as a screenshot on Substack, but essentially, to continue from the YE APOLOGY SZN post where I speculated about how I gave Jonah Hill’s creative executive a copy of the book on that Wednesday hoping it’d somehow get to Ye and he’d apologize… and then that did sort of somehow happen a few days later on that Saturday… well I have an update there…I ran into Jonah’s CE again the following week…and I asked that person who I gave the book to…Like, I’m sorry I have to ask, but what happened between Ye and Jonah, did y’all work through this together…the person however responded that No, they/the company was not involved at all, and in my mind at least, it seemed like the person was implying that Jonah was embarrassed by it, and didn’t want any part of it…me being me, I continued to pry…said something like, Well, what about the You People movie and how you guys put in those 2 Kanye songs, wasn’t that like an olive branch, hoping to reconcile things, and the person seemed to pooh-pooh that as well…it had been years in the making…seeming to very much not want to be part of the conversation anymore, though who can say, later I saw Jonah himself also seemed to have a negative or dismissive response to the whole apology that used his name from Ye at least as it was covered by the papers when they tried to ask him about it and they speculated that he was uncomfortable when he didn’t want to comment…

Q: Again, not seeing where any of this is happiness?

A: Maybe you’re right, maybe it’s not…My point is that it seems now if I was to speculate even more, that Ye and Jonah did not collaborate on this apology…that it took Jonah by surprise…

Q: You’re saying it was you again?

A: No.

Q: OK?

A: But also yes.

Q: Not literally though? The subtle butterfly effect thing again?

A: Maybe also literally though?

Q: Oh no, this sounds like delusions of grandeur again?

A: Can you let me have this delusion of grandeur? That me posting every page of the book during a flurry of social media posting while hashtagging him and mentioning him and many other musicians in the book, that maybe, just maybe he did read some of that, or someone else who does read that stuff did, who shared some of it with him, which sparked him to apologize, which yes, silly as it sounds, but I mean Jonah is literally in the intro to the book, a parody of him, which is basically the only part readable for free on Amazon, so maybe it was a conscious or unconscious joke by Ye about the power of (Jewish) comedy to help, and that was the goal of the book, to foster reconciliation…

Q: So that’s why you’re happy, because you see the beginnings of reconciliation?

A: Yes, or at least it’s why I am OK with being very unhappy, or the swings of happiness and then the very extreme unhappiness I’ve been feeling…and how even if I am on less medicine, and more myself, and I get to have bouts of intense creativity, but afterward have times like this where I feel quite low, again, like even to the point where that inner critic thing did come back super hard for brief periods of time, which is pretty scary, because it didn’t really for a long period of time, honestly, I am trying to be an honest person these days like Jonah from the Bible, and the Whale, not Aronofsy’s, that’s what this project is also about, the Shuffle, anyway, it feels worth or it felt worth it to me, to write this post and that book, especially when I shuffled while I was lying on my couch unable to move tonight, as the friends of my neighbor kept knocking on their door and the Seder seems/seemed to be starting…sometimes meaning is more important than happiness or sadness…like the pain of something is worth it…the self-destruction…I dunno…could be all a rationalization….I mean isn’t it weird that the song from the YE APOLOGY SZN post which literally did say Various Artists as the by part before as I wrote in the post, but when I checked my On Repeat later after I got big-headed about the apology by Ye, the artist name somehow became:

Q: Booty Luv instead of Various Artists?

A: Yeah, as if there’s more Booty or bad or like shitty love going on than there was before when I had no/less expectations and less importance/ego, etc.

Q: Ok, ok, we’re losing the thread here, so what did you shuffle today?

A: Oh, right, that’s the thing, I literally, no joke/no lie again, I shuffled out of over 95,000 songs of which only 347 have Kanye on them…meaning .3 or .003 percent of the songs, I don’t know, I can only really do spiritual numerology math these days…but a very small percentage of the songs, this is the song that came on, and it was at the peak of the suicidality when I felt so trapped in the pain that it was like a struggle to even get the laptop and click the shuffle button on liked songs, it was, again, really no lie and no joke:

"Otis" by JAY-Z, Kanye West, Otis Redding

Q: And what do you make of that? That’s a positive?

A: Well, I’ve been holding onto this guest post by who wrote something about Chapel Perilous, which is this idea, sorry Dr. Consecrence if I'm butchering your guest post, but that you don't really know sometimes if a spiritual event, like a synchroncity, is positive or negative. And that even to some psyche, all spiritual events can be perceived as negative, aka the whole horror genre perhaps. For me, who has a more optimistic mindset by nature perhaps, perhaps I perceive things too positively, which gets me into Chapel Perilous situations where I read the tea leaves to do something that actually isn't in my or the best interest of others.

Q: Has that been happening more?

A: In certain ways, yes.

Q: What’s an example?

A: Well when Ye announced his apology, I was very excited for him and for the communities involved and yes for me. I did spend the day with my friend-fam in LA. But I also later invited a rapper to be my +1 at the Puff Puff Passover event which is still happening on 4/15, though the number of guests is not high! And he did accept which got me even more happy because I really love his work and what he could bring to the event. He also guest-posted in Volume 1 here. But then I got a little perhaps too big-headed. And decided to invite someone who I am only very loosely para-socially friends with and have not yet collaborate with, and whom had no real connection to the event, unlike the rapper, who performs a song called “Black Jerry” which will go well with The Yada Yada Haggadah’s reading. Right before that happened, I have a Seinfeld poster on my door. Not the inside of the door. But the outside. It’s of Jerry’s apartment, with the idea being that I wish people would feel welcome to pop-in anytime, like they do in that show. And so the thing is either right before I invited that person or right after, even though I thought it was on some level a bad idea which I’ll explain in a moment, either way it was after some shuffling of songs that to me suggested I should do it, that I knocked that poster off the outside of the door, and for the first time, in the over a year or more it’s been there, it broke, the frame. Somehow I didn’t quite see the connection to stop doing what I was doing.

Q: How does inviting someone to your party, how is that a bad thing?

A: Well, I think I realized that in general, there is a lot more shadow stuff going on in my life as a result of other certain things than I thought before.

Q: That’s vague?

A: Well, basically the more that I try to manage my sexual instinct via the no pornography / no masturbation practices that I talked about with Jay Michaelson in the 3rd podcast, and I guess will be in more future transcripts, if/when I can finish those, the more perhaps my social instinct for participation and recognition in society and from other people I admire creatively/artistically, like this second not-really-related-to-the-event-person I invited directly with a free plus one, the more I seem to have blind spots about pushing way too hard in those contexts.

Q: What are some examples?

A: Well, I was looking back at my messages with this person, and it seems like while they were interested at certain points in collaborating creatively, at some point, they stopped responding mostly, and their DM box became a place for me to engage with them but not back with me, which is another like Aries versus Libra thing.

Q: You’re saying you realized you were in a one-sided relationship with them?

A: Basically.

Q: Do you feel like this project Shuffle Synchroncities is a one-sided relationship?

A: Sometimes? I mean. Yes. Of course. But also not. I guess what I was feeling when that “Otis” song by Ye and Jay-Z and Otis Redding came on was that I needed to write this post now too. That part of the sacrifice of doing what I am doing with my life is this balance between shame and shaman, the latter is the root word for the former. Like it’s pretty embarrassing to say hey you know that guy who has written 5 haggadahs that have actually sold thousands of copies, no lie there, well, ironically he couldn’t even get himself invited to a seder this year. Do you know what’s even more funny?

Q: What’s that?

A: The person at whose house we’re throwing Puff Puff Passover messaged me tonight to tell me literally that he had 30 guests on a Zoom Seder where they all read The Yada Yada Haggadah and he said that it slayed and that I’m a master.

Q: Why is that funny?

A: Well, because we might not even sell 30 tickets to this event that will be at his house 10 days later where we are reading the same haggadah. Yes, link here lol…And…do I need to explain the irony even more?

Q: So what does this “Otis” song mean to you?

A: Well, I do feel like it’s the perfect Self-Centered versus Relational song. Because it’s a sample of Otis Redding’s “Try A Little Tenderness” and Ye and Jay-Z even list Otis Redding as one of the artists, which is rare in a sample, and they name it after him, “Otis”. Redding’s original “Try A Little Tenderness”

Is all about caring for another person, being in a relationship with another, tender and loving, making others feel good, or trying to do that, not bruising, not squeezing, not hurting, loving, gentleness, happiness, here’s the lyrics:

Oh she may be weary
Them young girls they do get wearied
Wearing that same old shaggy dress, yeah, yeah
But when she gets weary
Try a little tenderness, yeah, yeah

You know she's waiting
Just anticipating
The thing that you'll never, never, never, never possess, yeah, yeah
But while she's there waiting
Without them try a little tenderness
That's all you got to do

It's not just sentimental no, no, no
She has her grief and care, yeah, yeah, yeah
But the soft words they are spoke so gentle, yeah
It makes it easier, easier to bear, yeah
You won't regret it no, no
Young girls they don't forget it
Love is their whole happiness, yeah, yeah, yeah

But it's all so easy
All you got to do is try
Try a little tenderness
Yeah
All you got to do is, man, hold her when you wanna
Squeeze her, don't tease her, never leave her
Get to her, got, got, got to try a little tenderness, yeah, yeah
You got to know how to love her, man
Don't be surprised, man
You got to squeeze her, don't tease her, never leave
You got to hold her, brother, something, man
Try a little tenderness, yeah, yeah, yeah
You got to grab her gently, man
Don't bruise her, no, no
You got to love her, tease her, don't squeeze her
You got to try, na na na na na
Try, try a little tenderness, yeah
Watch her groove
You got to know what to do, man
Take this advice
You gotta love, squeeze, don't tease

Whereas Ye and Jay-Z’s lyrics are all about boasting about their individual successes, their ambitions and their glory, their wins and victories and defeats of others, their recklessness, boldness, bravado, swagger, which is yeah a lot of Aries energy but whatever:

[Verse 1: JAY-Z]
Uh, I invented swag
Poppin' bottles, puttin' supermodels in the cab
Proof
I guess I got my swagger back, truth
New watch alert, Hublots
Or the big-face Rollie, I got two of those
Arm out the window, through the city, I maneuver slow
Cock back, snapback, see my cut through the holes, Hov

[Verse 2: Kanye West]
Damn, Yeezy and Hov, where the hell you been?
N— talking real reckless, stuntmen
I adopted these n—, Phillip Drummond them
Now I'm 'bout to make 'em tuck they whole summer in
They say I'm crazy, well, I'm 'bout to go dumb again
They ain't seen me 'cause I pulled up in my other Benz
Last week, I was in my other, other Benz
Throw your diamonds up 'cause we in this bitch another 'gain

[Verse 3: JAY-Z]
Photoshoot fresh, looking like wealth
I'm 'bout to call the paparazzi on myself
Uh, live from the Mercer
Run up on Yeezy the wrong way, I might murk ya
Flee in the G450, I might surface
Political refugee, asylum can be purchased
Uh, everything's for sale
I got five passports, I'm never going to jail

[Verse 4: Kanye West]
I made "Jesus Walks," I'm never going to hell
Couture-level flow is never going on sale
Luxury rap, the Hermès of verses
Sophisticated ignorance, write my curses in cursive
I get it custom, you a customer
You ain't accustomed to going through customs, you ain't been nowhere, hah?
And all the ladies in the house got 'em showing off
I'm done, I'll hit you up maña— nah

[Verse 5: JAY-Z]
Welcome to Havana
Smoking Cubanos with Castro in cabanas
Viva México, Cubano
Dominicano, all the plugs that I know
Driving Benzes with no benefits
Not bad, huh, for some immigrants?
Build your fences, we diggin' tunnels
Can't you see we gettin' money up under you?

[Verse 6: Kanye West, Jay-Z & Both]
Can't you see the private jets flying over you?
Maybach bumper sticker read, "What would Hova do?"
Jay is chillin' (Uh), Ye is chillin' (Uh)
What more can I say? We killin' 'em
Hold up before we end this campaign
As you can see, we done bodied the damn lames
Lord, please let them accept the things they can't change
And pray that all of they pain be champagne

[Outro]
Scream it
Give it
Scream it

Q: You know no one is going to read all the lyrics?

A: I don’t think people read much of anything I write these days, I’m not offended (even when I am consciously or not).

Q: So have you learned anything to teach anyone about this experience?

A: Lol, I dunno. I will say I did have an Otis moment last night. A Redding moment I should say.

Q: Oh yeah? What was that?

A: Well, I decided to go roller skating. Because I was feeling quite low. I had connected with someone on a dating app. And it kind of jumped rapidly into sexting and then got very obsessional and weird very quickly. The urgency of depending on a partner for orgasms can like make that energy sublimate sometimes very well or go very haywire other times, because it’s a very potent energy, and I’m still relatively new to this practice…

Q: OK, so, beyond this sex thing, you said this was a tenderness Redding moment though?

A: Yes, so during the roller skating, I was having a really good time, dance skating and talking with people, I’m actually a very good skater, I forgot, I am actually a quick learner at a lot of things, a natural, though I forget, lol, and so I at a certain point, there was a song just for couples, and I thought about how I loved my middle school’s roller skate dance parties, but never really got the courage at that age to like go for someone that seemed interesting to me at the time, all that often, now here I am at 38 near 39 years old, and I had a lot less to lose, mostly because i’ve already lost so much lol, of course, there was also the element of like hm, this is very cross-generational, I really need to make sure I am asking someone to roller skate dance with me who is like of an appropriate age or this could go real south real fast…so like I did try once with this person next to me, and I was like are you over 30? And she laughed shocked, like no, not at all, and I saw her face closer and she had acne, and I said sorry, then skated around a bit more, because the thing is she wasn’t the one I was interested in, it was this woman in a red dress, who seemed perhaps late 20s/early 30s, maybe, that was an unconscious practice attempt, I dunno, I shook it off, resilient me, HAHA kind of, it makes it way less of a cool story, that part, but it is the truth, so I did finally approach the woman in the red dress who was with her four friends, and I said, hey, are any of y’all over 30, and they laughed and the man with them said he was, but none of the rest of them were, 30 exactly, and the woman in the red dress said I’m 27 maybe 28 couldn’t quite remember but definitely not 26 ;0 anyway so she said like I’m not as good a skater as you and it’d be embarrassing if i fall, and I said no worries, im not that good either, and she was like, well, still, sorry, and so I skated away, butttt, then the man skated over a song later, and he was like, hey so I think she’s reconsidered and wants to skate with you, you know girls sometimes, they get nervous, (they get weary, right, Otis?) and so it took me a song and a half maybe even 2 but I did skate up to her again, and I did ask her to skate dance, and it was, wow, wow, wow, wow, it was beautiful, it felt like 12 year oldness, like a Spielberg movie or whatever, she later texted without us saying this, ”it felt like a movie!” so I am not like making this up ;0 but yeah Spielberg for me, that’s my culture, but for you whoever feels like that kind of movie moment, substitute it, but we were lightly touching hands and I was guiding her around, and we were near falling, and holding on to each other, and laughing, and the grasping hands more confidently, and all of that tenderness without even trying, without even trying Otis! to be, just spontaneous, the good channeling of the sublimation of that energy, and it was all about showing her as good of a time on the skating rink as I could and that I could experience for myself and for everyone else who might be like looking at us like, aw, that’s what I’d want, which is how I used to be sometimes when I was 12 and looking at other couples, and was how I felt a bit before that person and I started skate dancing, while I was looking at the other couples, and for the spirits, all around us always, just like here’s two people being 12 again when they’re 39 and 27/28, and not much more than that, romance not sex, not that there’s anything wrong with the latter, and not that I didn’t also get flashes of 12 year old boners, sorry not sorry, because we kind of all are still just becoming aware of our sexuality if we let ourselves in the moment, or something grandiose like that, and so the next song after we started skate dancing, was no joke/no like The Beach Boys “God Only Knows” which if you’ve been reading a while was the 11th post of the Shuffle where I talked about how Brian Wilson was manic depressive like I guess I am or Kanye is and Lou Reed is, and maybe everyone sometimes gets happy or sad, though who can really say, lol, probably we can say, we can say something, I’ve been saying lots of things about it for a long time, too long, lol, and so Brian actually wrote that song with the idea that like God Only Knows how long he’ll be with his wife, and if God wants them apart, then they’ll be apart, and so one day that’s what happened, Brian’s mental health was too much for her to bear, and they amicably divorced, for the kids, too, and so what does this have to do with Passover, I dunno, sometimes, you just are who you are, and do what you do, in this grand play, that G-d or whatever you want to call the Universe, is directing, sometimes that means you’re this weird villain who writes a Kanye haggadah, or the hero who does that, or the delusional person who thinks he’s a hero for doing that, or who shadow dms too much a parasocial idol, or who does all sorts of weird but legal sex stuff on a dating app for a night every few months, but sometimes, you’re the guy who when the girl who skate dances with you, at the crossgenerational roller rink that really feels more like home, like Brighton NY, but also like LA, which is also home now, the whole world is home when Im well, but just not like the frenzy of the dating apps, or how that can go sometimes late at night when other social instinct energies are not being met, and you look at your sales and how much money you’re spending, but yeah, the kind of energy that feels calm and centered, like how I am now, even if I am writing in the old longest sentence book sort of panicked feeling style, to others, and me sometimes, when that goes so well, the skate dancing, lol, and the writing, when that goes well, without even trying to be tender, I’m my most tender self, and the whole moment is tender, and you really understand that word, to be attendant, to nurse, and she messages you later that night to say she had a wonderful time, and says the thing about it feeling like a movie, but adds that she has a boyfriend at the moment, and so that might be it, for now…you take what came graciously, and gentlemanly, and gratefuly…

Q: Though you could argue this part of the post is not that?

A: Well, I guess I’m also the person who writes this kind of thing down, this is part of the shame of the shaman, I don’t feel well, if I don’t do this part, I didn’t feel well not creating art about how difficult it has been to shoulder the burdens of writing this haggadah, and trying to promote it, and risking my reputation, I somehow felt I shouldn’t write the other elements of the reality of it, because it would hurt the sales lol, or at least those were my conceptions of what it all meant or means, and there’s a whole other story about how my right shoulder has been hurting ever since I started to write it and I haven’t been playing tennis because of it, but, that’ll be enough for tonight that’ll be enough…

Q: OK, is this enough? Is this enough?

A: Maybe just one more shuffle.

Q: OK. But don’t write anymore after it. Just put the song. And let people decide if they want to analyze it or not. You’re exhausting. You know that right? You’re exhausting others and yourself?

A: Yes, I know that.

Q: OK, so just shuffle and put the lyrics out and leave it at that.

A: Yes, higher Self. OK, here goes:

“The Captain And The Hourglass” by Laura Marling

You kick the blow, now you gotta kick the guy
You sat alone under billowing sky
If I feel god judging me,
Well I fell into the water, now I'm free.

My friends don't really get me, think I'm the only one
Well I sold my soul to Jesus and since then I've had no fun
Behind every tree is a cutting machine and a kite fallen from grace
Inside every man is a heart of sand you can see it in his face.
He'll tick tick tick tick tick tick tick away.
Another second lost with every fallen grain.
He'll tick tick tick tick tick tick tick away.
Another second lost with every fallen grain.

The wind and I, we speak the same, but he don't hear so well.
You're gonna have to curse him well you're gonna have to yell.
The sky and I, we've had our fights and I'm coming down to rain,
If the rain come round and it don't come out, then I'll never have to speak again,
I can tick tick tick tick tick tick tick away.
Another second lost with every fallen grain.
Can tick tick tick tick tick tick tick away.
Another second lost with every fallen grain.

The captains got his boots on and he's heading out the door,
Leaving his lady alone thinkin' "he don't love me no more"
He's done with all this bullshit, he's going back to war,
If heaven is as heaven does then this is hell for sure
And he'll tick tick tick tick tick tick tick away.
Another second lost with every fallen grain.
He'll tick tick tick tick tick tick tick away.
Another second lost with every fallen grain.

You kick the blow, now you gotta kick the guy
You sat alone under billowing sky*
If I feel god judging me,
Well I fell into the water, now I'm free

Tickets are still available to Puff Puff Passover on Saturday, 4/15 in LA, link here!

Don’t want to wait for all the Podscript posts to be emailed?

The audio of the full Podcast is already available to listen to here:

Podcast 🎙 with Jay Michaelson

Otherwise…

Part 1 of The Shuffle Synchronicities Podscript 🎙📇 with Jay Michaelson

begins now!

Introduction

Dave

You do this for a living. I was like, when you're going over the notes of you know what we should do, I was just like, you know what? I'm just gonna let Jay mostly just kind of lead the-

Jay

<laugh>

Dave

The podcast. I've only done it a couple times, so I'm still learning. I mean, you're, yeah, you're a pro man.

Jay

I do a lot of podcasting. It's true, actually. In fact, I have to put on my other nice soundproofing thing. Hang on. This goes around the computer, gets the, yeah, the bounce off of the corner wall. Yeah, no, my main plan for this year was to, was to launch a podcast and we got it to a good place. I don't know if- But that CNN thing like dropped in my lap and they're like, Hey, wanna be on this TV show?

Dave/Jay

<laugh> 

Dave

You’re like alright, well maybe, we'll think about that a little bit! 

Jay

<laugh> Maybe I will! I'm on twice next week, so, um, we’ll see.

Dave

Yeah! Um, I'll kind of just jump in and introduce you a little bit now, just to say that, like, I think we are the same Enneagram type, but you are like the Enneagram Seven that like, is literally like the Enneagram Seven. Because they talk about Enneagram Seven as like the Renaissance person who like can do a million different things, different chapters of their life. And so, you know, you're a journalist, but you're also a lawyer. You're an LGBTQ activist. And then, you know, you just sent me a screenplay that's like already like heads and shoulders above the screenplays that I've read over the years. And, um, I mean, you can do anything and everything, you have done everything. And, uh, so-

Jay

I’m not a doctor. 

Dave

Not a doctor. Oh, well your parents. You know, they-

Jay

But actually I just put on Facebook, um, at the start of the pandemic. So like two years ago I was on, I did a TV thing and I was misidentified <laugh> as a professor at Harvard Medical School. Which I'm definitely not in any way.

Dave

<laugh> Well, I feel like you're a spiritual doctor. I think one of the things you wanted to talk about was, uh, you know, like sexuality and how that's transmuted into, you know, spiritual health and psychological health. So I feel like, you know, there is like, there's some doctor in you for sure. There's some-

Jay

Sure. You know, I'll take it. <laugh> 

Dave/Jay

<laugh>

How We Met

Dave

So the reason why I think we met, you were like covering Haggadahs I think.

Dave

And when I wrote the Trump Haggadah, I was in a, I was in an angry place in life. Like, I don't know, we didn't really know each other then, but I was like, I wrote that Haggadah like out of like pure rage against Trump. Whereas like now, like I don't, I kinda like him a little bit. I dunno, it's weird to say that, I at least kinda understand him, and why he, or, I feel like at least, I understand him, why he is who he is. And I don't, like, want him to like, you know, like the worst possible thing to happen to him all the time. And, uh, I don't if I can say that on the whatever, but I mean, yeah… Before I used to really want that, that was like the goal of that book in a way, even though it didn't seem like that. But, and then now, now, um, I'm much more chill. But I remember when you like, I think you reviewed like that book or The Yada Yada Haggadah. And I like, I didn't know who you were. I just had, I just in general, like, whenever anybody was in my life, I just had an automatic response to them which was like, I was in competition with them, or didn't like them. Like that was my response. It's completely opposite now. It's like, I love any potential person in my life.

Jay

You don't wanna record this part. Are we recording this part? You are recording.

Dave

This part? Yeah.

Jay

So we can use this. All right. Okay. Let's.

Dave

Yeah, get into it! But I know. I just, this was just my natural state for a long time, was like, anybody who entered my life was a competitor, someone to be angry about. I don't, it just was, it was very bizarre in retrospect. But then, um, after the, you know, the awakening after The Yada Yada Haggadah came out, that May, after that book came out in March, and all the changes started to happen. Then you reached out a certain point later after I had a lot of those changes and wrote that book, Spiritual Instagram. And um, then we just became like, you know, mentor friend type vibe. Like you just kind of walked me through what you thought I might be going through and, uh, yeah, I mean, getting to know you has been like, I mean like getting to know anybody in the world actually. Like if you have, if you change who you are inside, then you can unlock like the good in most people. I mean, again, going back to Trump. Like I don't, you know, I haven't met him yet, but like, um, so I don't know, maybe you could jump in and like <laugh>

Jay

Yeah, no, I mean I love that, that's, that narrative is accurate as to the facts <laugh> Um, and yeah, I think it was like, you know, as I've said a few times, like there, there's only a few, you know, a very small percentage of people who are interested in like, the certain vibe of spiritual practice that you have done. Actually now as you're in the post period or the integration, whatever, post-integration whatever period, I don't know. Like, you're actually a little more, I think, resonant with like what a lot of people are into, like what you just said about, you know, your own stuff and what are you putting out into the world and that kind of thing. And like, but yeah, so I just, was intrigued also because like me, you have had at that time, but still have, had, like, superficially irreconcilable aspects of your life, <laugh>, and they're not irreconcilable and I, I know that from my own experience, but like, it's like, wait a minute. So you're working at like, you know, a pretty powerful place in Hollywood, right? But also doing you know, and doing like the humor stuff on the side that, that's congruent, right? Like everybody has their like, you know, their fun side project, but then like right, the pretty intensive spiritual practice and like the exploration. The Instagram book was really good. Like, I think you said in the emails before this that, you know, not too many people read it, but I think it's fascinating and I, um, I like yeah, part of me wanted to steal it and like, I should do this like <laugh>, you know, but like, you already did it so I didn't need to.

Dave

Yeah, yeah. No, no.

Jay

Because like, there was like, you brought the humor to it as well as like a pretty intense grokking of the, like the non-dual piece. You know. And like some of the paradoxes of that. So that, for me, was like super attractive. Just, you know, like, intellectual, spiritual level, and then, yeah, I don't know. And then, you know, I think I remember, and I'm sure you remember, you know, you like, were pretty high for a while, <laugh> 

Dave

Yeah. 

Jay

Uh, sober high for those listening. Like it was high on enlightenment. And like that always morphs. Like it doesn't always morph to something bad, it just does always morph. Like it never, it doesn't stay in that ecstatically. And some people do stay there for many months. I mean, you stayed there for many months after.

Dave

For a while, yeah, it was, it was.

Jay

And you had a breakup, right? Wasn't that after the enlightenment?

Dave

Yeah. I mean part of like, my understanding of all that too is that, um, like if you talk about Enneagram Seven, like we, and, and if you look at that, I don't know, I mean, I know you're aware of Enneagram, but I don't know how much you, you study.

Jay

I'm pretty into it. Yeah.

Dave

Yeah. So I think Sevens potentially, like they, they don't process pain and then as a result they flip into like the opposite pleasure state is like my understanding in certain ways. So like, I don't even know how much of my enlightenment, you know, is real sometimes because it's like, was I just not processing that pain and just like in a complete overwhelm of like, pleasure, and then that gets tricked into being enlightenment or…I don't know. I mean like, maybe you can speak more to the science. I mean, you're not, you're not a doctor <laugh> but like, do you have any idea what I mean where, where it's like the-

Jay

No, absolutely.

Dave

Then again, like you look at, like, Eckhart Tolle, who was a real influence, because he was like, “I was in so much pain in my life that like, I laid out on the bench and all of a sudden like, it just like flipped into like, you know, complete pleasure for a year.” And that was kind of my experience, was like, it was just so much pain from my dad dying, from the end of my marriage, that it just flipped, for like a really, really long period of time. And then it, it hasn't like gone back to how it was, in the sense that like, that angry person inside, even though people who knew me didn't, didn't really realize that or like that, um, that anxiety all the time, or that just kind of like inner voice that was so strong that's really like not, not there anymore. So it does have like lasting integrative effects. Um, but-

Jay

That's been my experience of you. I mean, I think, you know, we're, we're separated by a continent <laugh> But you know, definitely in the times we've been in touch, like that's, that is the sense I get. I think your point about like the bliss or pleasure, you know, masking over right, you know, the pain. Like that's obviously, that's spiritual bypass 101. Again for people who don't know what that is, if they're listening, like-

Dave

Yeah. Can you explain that more clearly? I’d like to hear your version of spiritual bypass. 

Enlightement versus Spiritual Bypass

Jay

Yeah. So you can, you know, with, with good spiritual practice, you can get to, some really good states, like incredible, you know, mind and body states, and even like some real insights into like the nature of reality. Um, but those insights and those, certainly, those states, like, don't actually make you less of a dick, right? So like, that's like a different line of development. Like, it's like, you could think of it this way. Like, I mean, and there is a sort of common assumption and then people get disillusioned when it turns out not to be true. Like in their teachers for example, that like, oh, this person is so advanced, like spiritually how come they suck? Or how come they had a sex scandal? Or how come they, you know, had a money like whatever. Like, and you know, I can see obviously if a spiritual teacher puts themselves out as like, I am fully perfect or whatever, then sure. You know, that disillusionment is quite justified. But, you know, in my own experience with my students and with my teachers, like that's kind of a mistake. You know, you wouldn't think like if you get really good at meditation and become enlightened about the impermanence of all things, that you'd be a gourmet chef, right? Like, or that you could, you know, be a better athlete or whatever. Right? 

Dave

Yeah. 

Jay

So like those are skills, those are different skills of different lines of human development, like on the body or whatever, you know, the, the various skills of being a chef and, um, those don't like, I guess there is again, a pretty sort of common understanding that like the, the ethical should be part of the spiritual, but it doesn't happen automatically. Like, it has to be like incorporated in. And so there's a lot of people who out there who, and then I think in the popular media, the assumption is that these, like abusive cult leaders or whatever are just conmen, right? So like, they're just charlatans, so you're like making stuff, right? I don't think that's accurate. 

Dave

No.

Jay

Like, they actually probably have attained some like big, you know, state. Definitely charisma is like a thing. We don't really know what it is yet. In Western science at least. But like, you know, when you meet, you know, again, like in your line of work, you meet celebrities or whatever, these are people who may or may not be awakened in any way, but there's charisma as a thing, you know? And Donald Trump actually, since you mentioned him, is a good example of that. Like, yeah, I have a very negative opinion of him, but there's no question that he has like the charisma, he has this intuitive ability to read a crowd and even individuals on a one-on-one basis. You know, Bill Clinton was like that also. A different side of the political spectrum, but also had like, you know, a ton of charisma and like, I met him and it's like, he makes you, he looks at you, and you feel like you're the most important person in the world, <laugh> It's like, wow. So like, those things are real, but they don't come with any, you don't, you don't get to skip over the ethical part. You know, you still could cheat on your wife, you could still, you know, destroy the country.

Dave

Yeah.

Jay

So I think like back to what you originally said, like, so that's the spiritual bypass thing, and you meet in the spiritual world all kinds of assholes. More men than women, but also plenty of women. There was like a famous, um, Kundalini yoga instructor, female, who kind of went off the deep end, not just on anti-vax, but on like covid as a conspiracy and like that whole basically QAnon stuff, right? 

Dave

Right. 

Jay

And I don't doubt for a moment, and a friend of mine actually studied with her for many years. Like, I don't doubt her accomplishment as a Kundalini teacher and as a, and as a yoga teacher. Like I'm sure she does. Did. She died actually. But had this like, you know, ability to transmit that energy, but it doesn't come with, you know, discernment or intelligence or whatever. So that's spiritual bypass in a nutshell. And as to you, you know, I had like, I would say I had a little concern about that and like, I voiced it and it was kind of voiced in the language of like, Hey, don't get too attached to this awesome spiritual state because, you know, at some point it will evolve and morph into something else. And hopefully I was clear at that point. It, it doesn't, you know, Jack Kornfield has a key book about this called After The Ecstasy, The Laundry.

Dave

Yes, yes. 

Jay

Yeah. And the only thing, like, so I love that book and I think it's super, super important for people when they get to a certain level of seriousness of spiritual practice. And by seriousness, I don’t mean it's dour serious, I just mean like level of commitment, like spending a lot of time. And, but there is also, like, even in the title and in the case studies, like his, he was interested in people who really like, you know, hit bottom after these experiences. 

Dave

Yeah. 

Jay

And that does happen, right? But it doesn't always happen. 

Dave

Right. 

Jay

So I hopefully wasn't being prescriptive with you. Like, Hey, the shit's gonna drop out. You're gonna, you're <laugh> you're gonna hit bottom. Like, because I, and I think again, it's not, this is nothing against Jack, it's like that was the book he wanted to write was like, he was seeing this in his students again and again and again, people would get to it like really powerful openings. 

Dave

Yeah. 

Jay

And then crash and, but it doesn't always crash. It can sometimes just kind of morph into something weird. But yeah, so.

Dave

Well I, one thing I would say too, like, I think like I've, I've met teachers who they'll channel the thing and then, then you'll meet them in the, the regular part of that day and then they'll be like, you know, like completely, not, not ethically, you know, like a, in a totally f— up way, but just like, you know, just little like egoic things. And I was gonna say too, is I think like you gotta kind of stay in your own lane within the, when you're integrating the spiritual things. Like I'm just a humor writer. Like I am kind of that through and through, like it's part of who I am. And so like, being self-deprecating about my experience, like pretending to know and then realizing that I don't know, but you do still know something.

Dave

You know, it's like kind of like when you talk about, uh, charm and like, have you ever seen the movie The Master? I'm assuming you've seen-

Jay

Yeah, Yeah.

Dave

Like that movie, like the surface-level analysis of that is like, okay, you know, he's saying that Scientology is so bad, so bad, so bad. We're making fun, making fun. But actually, like, you look at the arc of that character, like, you know, Joaquin Phoenix starts, he's unable to talk to anybody, not have relationship with any, any woman. And the guy (Phillip Seymour Hoffman) is a charlatan. He is like a, you know, charismatic, you know, whatever. Uh, but then at the end, after the relationship's over, he ends up like being able to take a woman out and, and show her a good time. Like (Hoffman) has like improved his life in some way by their interactions. And even though it is a cult, it is whatever, like, there is like real value to some of what their exchanges were, you know? So I think like, I guess, I guess what I'm saying is like, regardless of how much I can say or not say my experience was real or not, I do know that I have improved and I continue to do practices and I continue to, like, people do know a difference. People in my life were like What are you doing? You're just reading books, <laugh> Like, even you, people in my like, were like who is this, this is not a rabbi.

Jay

<laugh>  

Dave

Is this a rabbi? Like who is this person who you're talking to? That you’re, you know, you're interested in? And, um, and so kind of, but then after a while, like, I think the main thing was like how my external self started to change in relationship to the internal. Like, I don't know if we saw each other visually yet, but I was like 200 and like 18 pounds and then.

Jay

Yeah. Yeah. I remember yeah.

Dave

That fell away. Um, and I'm down to like 165 now and then, you know, maybe we could just go into it is like, I think a big part of that honestly was the, because you wanted to focus a little bit on like seed retention. I know we're gonna, we could talk about Haggadahs, things like that.

Jay

 <laugh> 

Dave

But like, I, I do, I think we have a very different perspective on sexuality. Because I think sexuality and spirituality are very important. Maybe you could talk about your relationship to sexuality and spirituality. You first, and then we can talk about what I, what I've been doing, how they're different.

Jay

Yeah. Let me, I just, I wanna, before that transition happens, like just put like a little bit of a more of a cap (to the last sequence). So, Hmm. Yeah. I mean I, there's no, like, there's never gonna be a time where anyone gets like, you know, a like boy scout badge for your spiritual achievement, right? 

Dave

Yeah. 

Jay

And like, there are traditions that do that. And I actually think that's a really good idea. Like in Zen, you know, you get to a certain level of enlightenment and you get an Inka, you get this, like, you get a certificate, like you're enlightened, right? And like, you know, in a funny way, like, clergy ordination are similar. It's, it's not about enlightenment, but you, you've reached a level of knowledge or whatever and like, you know, now you have the thing. And I sort of, at first, certainly in the Jewish frame, I put that off for a long time because I was like, I didn't wanna hold that. I didn't want the weight of that. And then at a certain point in my life, you know, it became like something that would open doors rather than close them. So I guess I was 42 when I got rabbinically ordained. But anyway, like, so there are these external things which society has created, you know, different communities have created, but you'll never get that. So, like to me, I just turn to like every teacher who's worth their salt, you know, in history and how they evaluate it, right? So like Jesus said, you know, by their fruits you shall know them. You know, like by their fruits, meaning like, so you plant a tree, it's like, is this a real olive tree? You know? Or not. Does it make olives <laugh> Right?

Dave

Yeah, yeah. 

Jay

Are are their olives yummy? You know, that's how, you know, and like in your case, to me, it was really clear. Like, and this is a good transition to the seed retention thing. Because I think, you know, you were looking at a lot of stuff, right? You were looking at your grief, you were looking at your anger, you were working with your body, right? And the body connected to sexuality and working with shame around the body, like in various different ways that you were very open about and vulnerable about, which I thought was great. So like, even if those hadn't led to like weight loss, improved energy, and happiness, just the fact that there's, like, there's the turning of the attention to these parts of life, like that to me was an obvious fruit, so to speak, of awakening, right?...There's a good book you'd actually really enjoy this book, um, by Robert Forman, who's both a scholar and a practitioner called Enlightenment Ain't All It's Cracked Up To Be.

Dave

Oh, okay. 

Jay

And he was a TM guy and he got, he attained, and you know, in TM, transcendental meditation, they do have like a lot of these merit badges, and he went through it and then got and did get to some pretty advanced levels. And then, yeah, there was like the rest of life. And so he really, he wrote that whole book about, um, uh, it wouldn't be After The Ecstasy, The Laundry, it would be like After The Ecstasy, the like, What The Hell Do I Do Now? <laugh> 

Dave

Wow.

Jay

And, and you know, he became a professor, uh, of mysticism, he wrote a really important book for me personally called The Problem of Pure Consciousness

Jay

Which I read when I was like 19 or 20 or something. And which really, you know, there's a debate in the mysticism academy world, like the people who study this academically. And I was one of those people, um, you know, what do we make of some of these accounts? How can we understand them? We wanna like be respectful, not just respectful, but like we wanna like understand these accounts of profound mystical experiences and stuff on their own terms. But we also want to use analytical tools to-

Dave

Yeah, you're very much about that. Your book-

Jay

Yeah, that's in my own writing too. So he was, so Forman is like on one side, he's on the like more practitioner side of those debates. And a lot of other people are on the like, we can't say anything about this. Or, you know, there's really no way that we can analyze anything. And anyway, so he wrote that very important book and it's just a great, so I think this was me putting a pin on [this part of the conversation].

Dave

One thing to add to that is like, I feel like Deepak Chopra says something really interesting that always stuck with me is that, with some of my work that you've read a lot of, is that, synchronicity is actually one of the signs of like awakening and of, you know, mystical experiences that like, they keep, the more they keep happening, the more they keep like happening to you and people are around you. Like that is a sign that you are on the, either on the right path or that you are awakening. Because the practice of doing the synchronicities, on the shuffle, you know, it's continued even though I don't write about it every day. It's continued like all the time. 

Thanks for reading Part 1 of the Podscript🎙📇!

And for supporting Volume 2 of Shuffle Synchronicities.

Part 2 will be emailed soon!

Coming up next is a segment on the many synchronicities experienced at a Billy Joel concert. Billy Joel was one of our family’s favorite musicians, and his double greatest hits CD was one of the first three CDs we ever received.

Don’t want to wait for all the Podscript posts to be emailed to you?

The audio of the full Podcast is already available to listen to here:

Podcast 🎙 with Jay Michaelson

Don’t like it, that’s OK, too, there’s a smaller Unsubscribe button below.

Hope you enjoy the rest of the posts to come

Your day

And your life!

Woke up to a text from the co-host of Puff Puff Passover asking if I saw Ye’s Instagram post today, which shows the cover of the movie 21 Jump Street and the above caption…

‘My’ first response was pure joy

Not for ‘myself’

But because of the hope and the happiness that Ye seems to be doing better

And that we can all hopefully do a bit better

I will say

This week, on Wednesday night, I actually reconnected with someone at an event at my day job who is now Jonah Hill’s production company’s Creative Executive…

We talked about Jonah Hill and Kenya Barris’ You People

Which of course referenced Ye a few times in its race-relations comedy that was sort of like Meet The Parents meets Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner

And we also did talk about ‘my’ book

And I did indeed

Give him a copy

So…

You know…

I totally…

Have no idea what happened beyond that LOL

Probably nothing!

But that’s OK

It just feels good

To be part of the butterfly effect

To play whatever small role

In the Tikkun Olam

Which is Hebrew for

Healing the world

I called and texted a few people

Including Leryl Joseph

Who edited and contributed so helpfully to the book

Posted a bit on social media

But mostly spent the day with 👼 and friend-fam

Then went home and posted the above on Ye’s post and right after shuffled and got no joke/no lie:

“Shine’ by Various Artists

With lyrics like:

Tonight you’re gonna get your time to shine

I’ve been waiting, now I’m ready for the main event

A little closer now you got my attention

You time, your time to shine

Shine, shine, shine

It’s alright, alright to shine

It felt like more than a bit of a synchronicity ;)

And yet the fact that it’s by “Various Artists”

and has the lyrics in the bridge:

Spotlight search for someone special could you be the one

If you’re not then don’t get jealous, just keep moving on (moving on)

Reminded me of what I felt and do feel

Which is that it takes “various artists” or various people

To have a butterfly effect

To Tikkun Olam/heal the world

And that if the spotlight isn’t actually on me

Which let’s be honest it’s not really

at least not yet ;)

I am not jealous

Of Jonah Hill

Or Ye

Or anyone else

I am enjoyin my role in this story

What you could call G-d’s Haggadah

Because Haggadah means Telling

So G-d’s Telling :)

I hope you are enjoying your role too!

Buy The Meshugah Kanye Haggadah here!

Quick post!

Wanted to let you know ASAP that tickets just went on sale for the second PUFF PUFF PASSOVER!

And also that after leaving the lovely home of Kim Solow & Dan Lerman after a meeting with the amazing chef, Danielle Steckler, finalizing the party plans for 4/15

The song that was shuffled to was no joke/no lie…

“Cleopatra” by Nova Twins

Cleopatra, of course, was the celebrated Queen of Ptolemaic Egypt

The song with lyrics like:

I'm the type of girl who likes taking the lead
I don't give a fuck what they say 'bout me

and

When I was a kid they always called me a freak

I'm a straight talker

Wouldn't wanna be
Anyone but me

Feels more than a bit like ‘me’ these days ;)

Particularly the publishing of The Meshugah Kanye Haggadah

Which explores alternative ways of telling stories about Hebrews & Egyptians and Whites & Blacks and Jews & Christians and the Spiritualists & Scientists…

Pharaohs and empresses, our bones made out of treasure

We live, never die
It's in our bloodlines

I'm a samurai, samurai, samurai, dancer
Warrior, warrior, warrior, fighter
Ahh, I'm a boss bitch
Ahh, I'm Cleopatra

So yeah it all does suggest the pride and gratitude felt in putting on this party

So do consider BUYING A TICKET ASAP…there are only 30…so…

And just a reminder, Yes, I am still sober joy!

The dinner is optionally infused!

To the point, that you can choose from 0 to 5 MG (I think it’s mg? The people who know these things, you’ll know what the amount is, it can be very titrated for you)

Mota and Cannavore Supper invite you to join us in the celebration of the Jews miraculous exodus from Egyptian slavery. HA HA just kidding that was way too serious of an intro. But we would like to invite you on this night unlike other nights to partake in beautifully infused cocktails by The Cocktail Cook Satbhajan Khalsa and a multi coursed Mizrahi themed dinner with optional dosing by your friends at Paper Palate. All while reading together from Dave Cowen’s Seinfeld spoof The Yada Yada Haggadah with selections from his follow-up Curb Your Haggadah and songs from Dave’s new parody musical The Meshugah Kanye Haggadah. It will be a night of weed, laughs and good food! 

Saturday April 15th, 2023

6pm

Tickets $150  (includes a welcome cocktail, optionally infused dinner, goodie bag & haggadah)

Location to be shared after purchase 

Venmo @paperpalate

Vendors include:

Mota 

Paper Palate

The Cocktail Cook 

Dave Cowen  

And our lovely hosts Kim Solow and Dan Lerman

The idea sprouted around the new moon in February and was written, edited, and published in a flurry of creativity by the end of the full moon today

To many, a Haggadah for the Jewish holiday of Passover that’s a musical parody about a supposed anti-Semite seemed or still seems like a really bad idea, LOL

But to myself, and a few others, it seems so far to be the culmination of not just all of my Haggadahs on Trump, Seinfeld, Biden-Harris, and Curb Your Enthusiasm that were covered by The New York Times and have sold thousands of copies

But also of this Shuffle Synchronicities project!

Because a year of daily analysis of music lyrics

Not to mention long posts and a podcast about Ye

It was all super useful in producing what I truly believe is a very fun and funny yet meaningful and helpful way to celebrate a Seder this year

Here’s the paperback jacket which has the full write up

There were a few fun traditional synchronicities along the way of materializing the idea down from the ether…

Like this one when I decided to finally share a draft with someone who seemed particularly worried about the project’s impact on myself and the community

"Rubicon - Original Version" by Alan Braxe, Fred Falke

Rubicon of course is a reference to when Julius Caesar crossed the dividing line between Roman and Italian land in order to conquer the rest of the empire

According to Suetonius, Caesar uttered the famous phrase ālea iacta est ("the die has been cast")

Another song was:

“Don’t Change” by INXS

It’s shuffle suggested to not change my overall goal of publishing the book but to change some of the details based on some readers’ suggestions

I'm standing here on the ground
The sky above won't fall down
See no evil in all directions
Resolution of happiness
Things have been dark for too long

Don't change for you
Don't change a thing for me

There was also a moment where I forgot I shouldn’t accidentally publish it on Purim which is the holiday a month before Passover, because I realized was also on Tuesday, March 7th, not just Monday March 6th, but was reminded by:

“Lullaby” by Loudon Wainwright III

With lyrics about stopping worrying about whether Amazon will let it be published:

Shut up and go to bed
Put the pillow under your head
I'm sick and tired of all your worries
Shut up and say goodnight
Say your prayers and turn off the light

As well as a reminder to not be too ambitious:

Stop pushing, stop shoving, stop straining

And that even if

Besides the Intersectionality between Whiteness & Blackness, Judaism & Christianity

Spirituality/Religiosity versus Mental Health/Scientism is a major theme of the book

The excuse that you're crazy is useless

Isn’t great if you make a major mistake in the publishing process

I was reminded by someone when I shared this song that my last Shuffle post was about the spiritual meaning of losing my 🦷 of chronic grief

you're toothless

And yet the song was right, it seems to have come true, at least with the Ebook so far:

I promise we'll resume tomorrow...Goodnight.

The next morning a song from DJ Shadow’s Fifth Album scored the submission of the Ebook and Paperback to the Amazon KDP platform:

It has two lyrics:

Hi!

And then

a scream:

WHOOA!

Followed by a mix of New Age/Spiritual sounds and Hip-Hop/Rap beats

Which felt apropos ;)

There’s naturally a playlist to the Parody Musical book, which is here:

Yes, 42 songs!

6 less than Hamilton

I’m not saying it’s AS good

But it’s good, very good ;)

Here are some screenshots of the opening pages!

OK, that’s post 389 of Shuffle Synchronicities!

If you happen to also be following the Instagram of this Substack’s author, you may have seen a couple of posts about the saga of the spiritual meaning of teeth

Specifically, the spiritual meaning of the saga of tooth 4 in ‘my’ mouth

It first started soon after the lockdown during the pandemic in the Spring of 2020

A crack was heard while eating a Luna bar

Pain ensued for a few days

Then quieted down

Only to return every few weeks or months

Finally, when dentists re-opened, there were visits to the one I went to in Silverlake with my ex-partner who I had been separated from since January 2020

Despite a few x-rays, both that dentist and his son couldn’t find anything wrong with the teeth/tooth

Yet over the next two-plus years, water couldn’t be drunken cold at times

And pain would radiate along the gum line sometimes too

This past December of 2022

Right before boarding a plane to visit family for two weeks of holiday vacation

The tooth flared in pain to a height that hadn’t ever been experienced there before

So painful that only holding antiseptic in the mouth on the plane could chill it out

So painful that a kidney stone was the closest comparison in bodily maladies

The family was so disturbed by the pain that they took me to an ER

LOL

Which, as was posted about on Instagram, caused them traumatic flashbacks to previous random trips to the ER for my dad at the end of his life

Laughing at the absurdity of it right before checking in and potentially missing a Buffalo Bills game, suddenly, the pain in that 4th tooth quieted right back down again

Back at the family home, I looked up the spiritual meaning of teeth

And in particular that tooth

The 4th

And as you’ll see in the image, the 4th tooth is related to Chronic Grief

The first thought had was my dad

Especially because we then went to his dentist two days later on Monday that week

That dentist though couldn’t find a fracture or clear sign of infection even

But he said there could be a slight crack that was so small it wasn’t visible yet

He recommended a friend from South Africa whom he went to grade and college and dental school with who was now also a dentist in Los Angeles

The tooth gave no trouble the rest of the vacation

However, upon return, before scheduling the appointment with my family dentist’s dentist friend in LA

Peanuts

Which are a food my dad claimed to be allergic to, even though when he ate them accidentally he had no reaction, and which were the snack favorite food of his father, my grandfather, and which were a food I suddenly started eating almost daily during the year of mourning and writing of the Long Sentence Book after his death

Were eaten one night

They were almost not eaten though

After the pouring of the bowl of peanuts

Suddenly the bowl was dropped onto the ground, CLANG

A flash of intuition arose that said something like:

“Maybe don’t eat peanuts right now with your tooth”

Yet, I stubbornly willed myself to throw away the peanuts on the ground

Refill a new bowl

And…

Literally, the first new peanut popped into my mouth

It CRACKED the tooth

Split it right down the middle

Completely in half

As if there were now two teeth in the space of what was once one

The next day the family dentist’s dentist friend reported that this would not be a simple crown

It would have to be extracted

And an implant would need to go in

Sitting with that for a few seconds

I asked him

If we could talk about the spiritual meaning of teeth for a moment

He pointed to the Jewish art on the wall and said, Of course

I told him about my research into the 4th tooth

How it meant chronic grief

And mentioned my dad

He said he lost his dad and understood that grief is part of life

But said that you have to move on

I still felt strange about removing what felt like part of my dad

But then this week, yesterday actually

I realized that perhaps the split 4th tooth perhaps wasn’t chronic grief for my dad

Perhaps it was chronic grief for my split from my ex-partner

My therapist pointed out that grief is necessary and perhaps forever with you

But that the adjective ‘chronic’ suggests too much

And I remarked that the tooth split and separated in half

Felt like a metaphor

The therapist asked if I could imagine extracting it

As even yesterday I wasn’t sure I would go through with it

Would that be beneficial?

I had recently met two new people

They’re part of my life for now

In ways that I won’t elaborate on due to the rules of post-memoir

But when I arrived at the oral surgeon’s office this morning

The song that was playing melodiously in the office was no joke/no lie:

“Everybody Wants To Rule The World” by Tears For Fears

Which happened to be a song that one of them had sent me a cover of

I smiled

The last smile with this chronic grief tooth still in my mouth

Before it was removed

I had been joking with the second person the night before

About how I was clearing space

For something new

New kinds of partnerships

Romantic

or

Creative

The oral surgery was low-key stressful

But also pleasurably intense if that makes sense

When the tooth was extracted

Even though I was numb

I could feel it dislodge

Not in my mouth

But from my brain

As if the senses connecting the nerves in my tooth to my brain

Had been snapped

Not in a painful way

Almost like a release

An orgasm of

Relief

Flooded my brain

Then there was a moment of spaciousness

And emptiness

That you can feel sometimes while meditating

I wasn’t surprised to find after while Googling that indeed the teeth are directly connected to the brain

And was a bit not shocked but perhaps bummed to find that the loss of teeth leads to changes in the brain, perhaps negative ones as well

Yet, I chose and continue to choose the positive

In losing that tooth

Especially because there was a minor complication soon after

The oral surgeon said he had to draw some blood

In order to inject it into the cavity

To prevent dry socket

I started to feel light-headed

So instead of having his nurse draw the blood

He did it himself

No joke/no lie

The song that came on in the office was:

“Say You’ll Be There” by Spice Girls

It’s related to the night that the second person and I connected over our shared interest in music and memoir

We literally danced to this song at one point

I could barely stop myself from laughing as the blood was drawn

The socket was injected

The site sutured

The surgery finished

As the song played out

Afterward, able to talk again, I tried to tell the oral surgeon about all of the synchronicities

He laughed

And said something like:

“It’s good to be distracted sometimes, huh?”

As I drove back, perhaps a bit still high from the topical anesthesia

I felt the spaciousness

And the room

For new things

New partnerships in my life

I can’t know or say what they’ll all be

Or that I won’t have moments of grief from the past pop up

But perhaps they won’t be so chronic

This song came up right around then on the highway:

“Don’t Call Me Whitney, Bobby” by Islands

Which has lyrics such as:

Bones, bones brittle little bones
It's not the milk you seek
It's the sun you need

and

Sweetheart
Sick body part
Sickheart
Sweet body part

and

Gonna make some plans
Wait and see

Open your eyes look around you

Okay, that’s the three hundred and eighty-eighth Shuffle Synchronicities!

Trying out a new subject for a series of posts

As I continue to slowly near the completion of my own first graphic novel

There may be other topics to expand the universe of Cowen Substacks hehe

This one is even going by a different pen name, David Cowen

And it’s not devoid of music as I did shuffle for insight about this sub-Substack and got a song no joke/no lie by a musical group called Plan B

Plan B!

They sing

Then in Spanish:

The perfect combination!

The graphic novel of course is Plan B for the screenplay version of the story

Besides the new pen name

It also has a new working title of

SHOULD WE, um, BUY A GUN?

And I’m trying out a subtitle

I always enjoyed how Alison Bechdel subtitled her mainstream breakout FUN HOME as A Family Tragicomic

And wanted a similar unique adjective phrase subtitle

Someone in my life helped prompt me to think of the word:

Seriocomic

Which is a word that has fallen out of use a bit

And hasn’t really been used in that genre-defining punning way before based on some Googling

But it essentially means:

Seriocomic - Combining the serious and the comic; serious in intention but jocular in manner or vice versa

It’s somehow more specific than the more contemporarily popular word Dramedy

Which also according to the Oxford English Dictionary means:

Dramedy - a movie, play, or broadcast program that combines elements of drama and comedy.

It suggests a sense of irreverence toward tone, even an extreme one, that moves between the bipolarities of life from joy to pain, mourning to celebration, happiness to suffering, death back to life, etc….

SHOULD WE, um, BUY A GUN? A Seriocomic

Perhaps there should be a second word there like Bechdel’s

A Romantic Seriocomic

A Marital Seriocomic

A Sericomic of Remarriage

A Sericomic of Civil Union

LOL

Not sure yet

Probably just: A Seriocomic

Anyway, I had Martin Luther King day off today from the day job so I went to my local bookstore, Skylight, which is a few blocks south of me on Vermont Avenue here in Los Feliz

They have an Annex full of art books, not just graphic novels and comics, but photography and design and much more

It was a joy to stand in the aisle and move slowly from book to book, really reading the first 15 pages and on to the next

I was reminded how unique the browsing experience can be from Amazon, which has unfortunately remained too much of my go-to since the Pandemic

After 4-5 books, I landed on ALL YOUR RACIAL PROBLEMS WILL SOON END: The Cartoons of Charles Johnson (published by New York Review Comics)

And, sure, I felt the MLKness, but also was absolutely delighted by the seriocomic nature of the work

The collection published by New York Review Comics @nyrcomics is of cartoons Johnson drew in his 20s and 30s in the 60s and 70s mostly

Before his turn to prose novels (he won the 1990 National Book Award for his historical masterpiece MIDDLE PASSAGE) as well as academia

With these short gags, he skewers all aspects of ‘racial problems’ from that era which of course still echoes today

Including the publishing and production of racial themed content

From white authors trying to tell black stories

What mass media did to harmonize stories of racial conflict

How black authors struggled to sell black stories

And how that was then co-opted when it became popular

There’s also moments of charming romantic comedy about trying to balance the passions of love with the duties of activism

As well as hilarious sitcom-esque humor about mixing the responsibilities of the political with that of the domestic

As an artist myself working a day job who has moments of manic idealism, I particularly enjoyed the cringe comedy of bringing your full self to work back then

There’s also some deft high-brow raunch showing the seriousness of sexual stereotypes through satire

And then there are just some stunningly sharp and brilliant barbs about the most devastating aspects

Interestingly enough as he neared the end of his cartoon era, Johnson ends up embracing Buddhism and pursuing a spiritual path

Okay, that’s the first post of Seriocomics!

If you liked it, please heart it below so I know ;)

I’ll probably keep them going because it’s a fun interest and way of connecting and sharing with this comics and graphic literature community that I’m hoping to move into quite soon…

And, yeah, this is probably a bit of avant-garde criticism like usual in the sense that I’m putting in so many ‘fair use’ snapshots of the content to the ‘review’

But these will never be ‘critical’ only ‘enthusiastic’

And I hope therefore extra helpful in selling books for its authors and publishers

So please do consider getting a copy at the links below!!!

ALL YOUR RACIAL PROBLEMS WILL SOON END written and drawn by Charles Johnson (published by New York Review Comics) is available:

here on Goodreads which has booksellers and libraries

here from Skylight in LA

here on Bookshop.org a source for other local bookstores

and Amazon here

“Sad Times” by MNYS

Back in late November, there was a mention in post 385 of a piece submitted to The New Yorker & how if it wasn’t accepted for publication it would be self-published here

That day has come

No, it’s not in The New Yorker

LOL

And while there is not going to be someone here saying they made an old-guard mistake by choosing a Paul Rudnick Shouts to cover Musk & Twitter instead

There’s also not going to be someone here saying ‘my’ story isn’t better

It just might be that ‘my’ writing doesn’t belong in The New Yorker anymore

Or as this song “Sad Times” by MNYS sings:

I can't with you, I wanna say

Or they can’t with me, they’re saying

Both/and

LOL

And I know it hurts sometimes but I've
Unplugged from my past life and I
Feel like I'm taking too much space

It hurts sometimes not to write in the more conventional ways of humor

To have unplugged from that past life

And to realize this piece probably took up too much space

Not just in the literal word count

It took up too much space with my ‘self’

And that's a lot for one reply
But I'll ‘like' your picture just in case

I will always still like the magazine

Love it

And hope to one day return to its pages

But also feel like:

I guess that I'm really proud of you
I loved you so much that I left
9-5, doing what you need to do
I've told you there was always more to you
I can't with you, I wanna say

I am really proud of what was written

(Readers of Volume 1 might recall there was an earlier draft of this story published on the Substack in post 89 but it wasn’t submitted yet)

Even if the result continues to suggest a leaving of traditional commercial platforms of publication

Of perhaps continuing to need to work 9-5

Doing what is needed to be done

In order to provide time

To create what shows there is always more

To me

And to art

& the spirit

It’s funny that the song I feel might best capture this moment as a memoiristic synchronicity is something that’s not on Spotify yet LOL

“Hollywood Baby” by 100 gecs with it’s chorus “You’ll Never Make It In Hollywood, Baby!

But without further adieu…

I can't with you, New Yorker

But I can,

And I wanna,

With all of you!

I Bought a Little Story

by

David Cowen

So I bought a little story (it was I Bought a Little City by Donald Barthelme). And here it is:

Thank you. For reading the original. Except I didn’t buy the story. Because it was already sold to The New Yorker in 1974. But you also can’t buy a little city, except in fiction, unless you’re Kim Basinger, who tried to in real life in the 90s. It seems Elon Musk has been trying to, too, recently, before, you know, everything went, atwitter.

The author, Donald Barthelme, is dead, like most pun humor, and perhaps my relationship with The New Yorker, after publishing one inspired piece of juvenalia for their Shouts & Murmurs section about Kanye West saying he doesn’t read books while promoting one in 2009 under the name Dave Cowen, written perhaps during one of my own episodes of hypomania.

I’m trying out my birth name, David, instead now, kinda the opposite of what Ye is doing now (even though, to be honest, I didn’t read books myself for a period after publishing that) as I consider submitting this remix in the year 2022, and I’m pretty sure I’m not having any episodes of mania, hypo or not.

If I did submit it, and The New Yorker is reading this, they are probably perplexed, likely suspicious, not to mention their readers.

I say, Relax, we’re going to do things gradually, no big changes overnight, and, most importantly, Everyone can have their own say here.

Maybe, just maybe, you’re also a little pleased so far.

I read through the rest of Barthelme’s original first paragraph about the spread of petroleum throughout the Free World, fish markets, a big Catholic church that looks more like a mosque, and some apple trees, etc., and I thought:

A few emojis here might be nice.

🛢🌐🎣⛪️🕌🍎🌲

What a nice little story, it suits me fine.

It suited me so fine I wrote that I started to not want to change it.

Even though I still did want to. And LOUDLY, LOUDLY!

For instance, the next part where Barthelme has his narrator (What should I call him? I wondered. I can’t just call him the narrator. That’s boring. And it’s my story now! Oh, right!) where Barthelme has Elon Musk ask some folks to move out of a whole city block on I Street, so Musk can tear down their houses. 

I change it so that Musk puts the people, not into the Galvez Hotel, which is the nicest in town, with its sea view, but instead, his colony on Mars, which is the first and only, so the nicest there. 

Well, that’s how I had it in the first draft. The bit continued with a joke about how “Does anyone even want to live in a colony on Mars? If the people on I Street lived in a colony on Mars, how would they see the rest of the people in their little city? Zoom? No one’s delighted with that?” 

Nor was I now. And rewriting it, I doubt Musk will have enough money after buying Twitter, this little city, and this little story, to also build a colony on Mars (though the internal logic of who purchased the story is now unclear to me as well as many aspects of its tenses of grammar).

I guess I should listen to Barthelme and not try to be imaginative.

I’ll stick with the standard stuff.

Musk puts them into the Galvez and plants the empty I Street block all to hell to make it into a park.

Except now I’m not pleased. I like to be imaginative.

That’s why I like Donald Bartheleme.

And The New Yorker.

I imagine you readers feel the same?

Maybe the story needs a little GIF?

Oops was that GIF too imaginative?

I went with a reference to the next part of the story where Barthelme has his narrator go watch the people in his little city sit in their new park but says, “There was already a black man there playing bongo drums. I hate bongo drums. I started to tell him to stop playing those goddamn bongo drums but then I said to myself, No, that’s not right. You got to let him play his goddamn bongo drums if he feels like it, it’s part of the misery of Democracy, to which I subscribe.”

Along with satirizing plutocrat tyranny, to which I subscribe, it seems like Barthelme is also satirizing impulses of boorish racism.

But by doing the latter in this way, was he merely buttressing them?

But did I merely do the same thing by speculating about Barthelme’s own latent impulses?

Instead of just excising that content from the story I am ostensibly now the steward of and that others probably won’t go back to read the original of (even if it is now fully quoted above)?

Maybe sometimes imagination is regression in disguise?

I dunno.

I could ask Bartheleme, if only his dead body were also animate?

Like I wish sometimes for my Dead Father. 

Also, does adding a GIF mean this can only be a digital Daily Shouts?

Are they less money still?

I decide to go all in on a digital Daily Shouts and add an embedded Spotify link as well, because I want Donald Glover to perform “Feels Like Summer” in the little city’s park in my little story. 

But then I realize that song is copyrighted.

Once again, too imaginative.

I can see more and more why Barthelme recommended guarding against that.

Also what is this impulse to have Donald Glover, a black musician, play his song that I don’t own in my story, instead of coming up with another example to substitute for the cringe bongo situation?

I should probably guard against whatever that is, too. 

Though I then remember that it was because he’s the only musician I love who also happens to have the same first name as the original author of this little story.

I decide to double-down and add a meme:

I have no idea who owns the copyright to that meme.

Maybe knows?

I then made all the people in the little city dance to Donald (Glover)’s song in the park.

But then I realize I seem to be getting confused in the story, not just between tenses of grammar, but regarding characters and plot, between who is doing what: me, Musk, Bartheleme, his narrator.

So I clarify that I made Musk make all the people in the little city dance to Donald (Glover)’s song in the park.

But that Musk is the one who then made them all tell me they’re enjoying my little story.

And if they didn’t say so Bartheleme’s narrator suggested that they’re banned from both.

Bartheleme told me Musk assured him that he can tell if they say so in an ironic or parodic way and we banned a few of those jokers. 

The Childish Gambino sees The Mighty Musk and says, “Nice little city, man,” in a way that’s so hip and cool it’s hard for anyone to tell if it’s sarcastic. 

“Thanks,” The Musk Daddy simps. “Got any ideas about what else I can do to make you like living in it?”

“Yeah. Can you give everyone a Universal Basic Income? A UBI? Like they did in Stockton, California for six months? But, like, a lot more?”

“‘Bout how much UBI are you thinking of?”

“Well, not too big.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Just enough to always have food to eat, have a place to live, have clothes to wear, and have medical care if you get sick.”

“So the bare necessities?”

“That would be nice, yeah.”

“You see, the problem is,” The Muskrat started to reply, “Well, I guess, I can’t think of a problem at the moment. I’m currently worth 191.4 billion dollars. And there were 26 residents in the 2000 Census, here in Boca Chica, Texas, which I bought in this remix of the story, instead of Galveston, Texas, and perhaps in real life, too, it’s unclear when you Google it, as well as if I renamed it “Starbase”, both those things are unclear from Googling. Also, I was worth as much as 244.4 billion dollars before, you know, everything went…Regardless, I probably still have more than 7 billion dollars per person per lifetime to give.”

“Nice. Whatever man. Also. Can you get rid of the po-lice? Like not just defund, but abolish it?”

“What about muggists and rapers?”

“I don’t know, man, I’m not a criminologist, but it seems like there will be a lot less crime if people don’t have to worry so much about money anymore.”

That might be right, Musk thought. He had bought the whole city and could probably ensure that.

“Anything else?” The Let’s Be Real Kinda Too Much All For Himself Could’ve Spent 44 Billion Dollars To End World Hunger Musketeer asked. “Do you have anything really imaginative?”

I, the author, once-lowly-but-also-paradoxically-sometimes-too-proud-and-still-sometimes-so, made Glover continue off the path of the story and say “I’ve always thought it’d be fun to have real-life Huxley birds?”

“What are Huxley birds?”

“They’re the parrots in Aldous’ novel Island that remind us over and over to “Be Here Now!”.

“I thought that was Ram Dass?”

“It’s a perennial philosophy.”

“Well,” The Magnificent Musk said, “Let’s give ‘er a try.”

“Thanks. Any song requests?”

“Yeah. Can you play your song ‘California’ but change it to ‘Boca Chica?’ I like to make old things new again but it has to be obvious now, you know?”

“Yeah, man, I know.” 

Glover started to sing:

She want to move to Boca Chica

She must've f--ing found her mind

There was a comment. Emma Allen, the editor of The New Yorker’s Daily Shouts, Cartoon and Humor sections Zoomed me after she read this far in the story. 

“OK, here’s the thing,” she said, her eyes either gleaming or burning, I couldn’t tell which, it was a poorly lit Zoom, “I like it. Or at least I’m pretty sure I do. But I also feel like I’m just reading a gigantic jiveass pastiche.”

She was right. Read so far, it was like reading an unauthorized, overlong, pretentious, puzzling, onanistic reproduction of Barthelme.

“Everyone knows that…” I reply, “But what my story presuposes is: maybe it also isn’t?”

I almost add, “I guess I can just publish it right now on my Substack?”

But thought it best not to mention that. Or that I already sort’ve did with an earlier draft.

Instead, I offer to consider squaring off the story in the ways Emma may see fit, e.g. this part for sure probably. I do believe editors improve concepts. I tell Emma I run across more than the occasional formal innovations on Daily Shouts that surprise me. 

“That’s nice,” she smiles, both of us unsure, perhaps wary, of how she became part of the story.

I consider swapping Emma’s name with Susan Morrison’s, who championed my first and only accepted submission and may or may not still remember me or be the editor of the regular magazine’s Shouts. I notice the word count, and that the original story was categorized under Fiction, and consider swapping in Deborah Treisman’s name. Then debate cutting this all out in my mind, then with my therapist, as well as not submitting the story whatsoever. But then say to myself:

Got a little story

At least it ain’t boring

By now I had exercised my proprietorship so imaginatively and at the same time, if I do say so myself, somewhat tactfully, at least for me, that I wondered if I was enjoying myself too much. 

I had only worked a few hours on the first draft in 2021, then a few more hours in April and June 2022, and then for the most amount of hours a few months after that now in November 2022, and now a bit in January 2023.

How long did the great master Barthelme labor on this little story when it was his intellectual property?

Did he impulsively tear through it like Musk seems to like to do with his? 

I decided to follow the great master’s structure and have El Ron Mean Mister Mustard Hubbard shoot six thousand of the Huxley birds.

This gave me great satisfaction as I came up with the Island reference earlier in the first draft without planning to substitute birds for dogs, which were the original animal Bartheleme’s narrator shot six thousand of.

And, of course, I had no idea how wonderful it would improve the story for the better when this happened:

Even if Musk was right now perhaps the vilest creature in media, maybe the world at large, and I should be writing a serious op-ed or rage-tweeting a thread for more virality about how long were we all going to sit still while one man, one man, if indeed so vile a critter could be so called, etc. etc…

From another point of view the sequence also suggested I was and am channeling genius, by that I mean whatever you call the thing that’s truly doing the writing: the Muse, a daemon, the Tao, ‘God’, etc. etc…

But, of course, from yet another point of view I’m aware that such spiritual mumbo-jumbo is also at least half of a hedge on a bit of my own late Kanye West-esque unhealthy Enneagram 7 self-ref(v)erential delusions of grandeur narcissism, Musk too?, which can be so off-putting and probably part of the reason I’ve never had another story published in The New Yorker, etc. etc…

It seemed the man whose parrots I’d had shot DMed me.

“You shot my birds,” Aldous Huxley said. Or someone impersonating him. I couldn’t verify yet.

“No, I didn’t,” I replied to the dubiously blue-check-marked citizen of my little story’s city’s social media app, “I had them shot by the narrator of this story.”

“Right, I guess that’s true,” responded maybe: Aldous Huxley.

“Does that mean you don’t want to bust me over the head with a short length of pipe?”

“No,” @you.are.not.in.a.dystopia.you.just.believe.you.are.jpeg DMed back.

“I still do,” A yell was heard behind me.

It was the real Aldous Huxley showing me the short length of the pipe he brought for the purpose.

“But why?” I asked another dead hero inserted into my story without consent, “The birds are fictional both in your story and mine?”

“Because you misquoted my birds, gaucho. They say ‘Here and now, boys,’ and ‘Attention.’ That’s the trouble with you post-post-modern writers, you haven’t even read enough of the works you reference.”

“Mister Huxley,” I said, “There are now more words published every year than in all the years before, ever year. You expect me to know another story of yours besides the one they made us read in school?”

“Barthelme always read what he referenced.”

“You don’t know that?” I exclaimed. “I read Island. And do you know what else I know?!” 

Huxley looked like he didn’t care about what I knew but cared about me nevertheless.

“I’m the sole owner of this story” I said, “And, therefore, this sentence, the sentences you just said, and the ones you once wrote, in a book, a magazine, or any platform of mass communication. They’re all mine here. So I can change what you say here and what you had your birds chirp in your little book!”

“You wouldn’t do that.”

“I’ve been known to do worse. Maybe I’ll post a poll that leaves what to do with you out of your and my control. I’m a black-hearted man. So I’d leave it susceptible to interference from bots and bad actors. Because I don’t believe in Hell, so why should I give cooling drafts of mercy to any quarter?” 

He went away aware of and sad with my intellectualization of my thwarted ambition.

And I was not any happier either.

I thought for a moment I needed to be struck still with that bad-looking piece of pipe he had had there. But I was over 2,000 words ahead of the game, in a sense.

I couldn’t think of any more post-1974 literary innovations just then except for an attempt at autofiction I tried in an earlier draft about an ex, which would likely get me punctuated like the still-alive [insert your beloved/loathed transgressive/shameless autofiction author’s name here].

And, more importantly, such a thing wasn’t an example of the kind of writer or person I wanted to be anymore.

Just then, I wandered into a store on Tremont Street, a woman whose name I couldn’t verify either, because she was too unpopular or humble or sensible to have requested or paid for my story’s city’s social media app to do so, saw me and called out: 

“Hey!” with considered friendliness, “Can I ask you a question?”

“I suppose.”

“I thought you bought this so that ‘Everyone can have their own say here’?” She said. “Do you still believe that?” 

“A little bit.”

“Okay. And so. Did you mean to make such big changes overnight?”

“Not with such dismal results, no.”

She poured that kind intelligent look of hers at me and said, “You know, I have one and one-third lovely children. And when I met my first one, my first thought was: I have never seen that much goodness in a person’s face before.”

I still don’t know if we’re supposed to congratulate people who are pregnant but haven’t had their child yet, but I congratulated her anyway.

She said thanks.

Then added: “Do you know what I learned from that?”

I shook my head, No.

“Every parent has that same thought about their child. That they’ve never seen that much goodness in someone’s face before. And that’s also what God thinks. Or the Universe. Not just about every newborn. But of everyone. All of the time. Any time of their life. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

I immediately had this thought:

I don’t really own this story

Awful pity

Can’t help myself

Can hurt myself though

And others

Publish a remix of a copyrighted story

Mess it up

Be too imaginative

Best to leave it alone

But who decides

Donald’s story is The New Yorker’s 

And coveting

Is not nice

You’re not entitled to it

Or anything else from them

Same with a partner

Even if they were yours 

If they’re not anymore

Must give them back

To the sea of love

Let them be

And you fish for others

Perhaps same with Elon

Give Twitter back

I wrote here last year

To the sea of what Jung calls the opposite of love

Which is not hate or indifference

But power

So the opposite of that

Which might also be the kind of love 

That has no opposite

That’d be a nice place to live in

And write a story about

But since then

Musk has promised to step down

And has also changed how he’s running it

And now

I seem to be publishing this story

Regardless of the above

Can I remix the fish and story metaphors again

Into a palatable-OK-to-publish-proving stew?

Maybe I am

A smaller fish

Eating a bigger one

Because its time has passed and it’s dead

So no one really minds

If its remains, its materials

Are put to good use

And

If it is really yucking someone’s yum

LMK!

In the penultimate paragraph, Barthelme’s narrator says “I learned something - Don’t play God.”

I think I learned some sort of a corollary - “Play with others how God plays with us.”

To me, that means something like: Imagine anything and be free, but respect certain restraints and boundaries; the definitions of which are subject to change.

A lot of other people probably already knew that. Maybe not. It’s a bit wonky.

Sometimes I’ve believed for more than a few moments that I’m smarter than other people, but usually I figure out I’m not again not nearly as quick. (I think I wrote that right?)

So what’ll happen next?

I’ll likely take a bath on the remix of this story, there’s no denying it.

Unless, of course, The New Yorker is somehow interested in selling it to me, then re-buying it back, for more money, or something like that.

But yeah, I guess I’ll submit it to them now.

As you can probably guess, it’s quite a long shot.

That’s OK though.

So was the Kanye one.

It was even rejected first before it was then accepted for publication (maybe the same will happen with this one, too, LOL)

There were then 10 years when I thought I was cursed to never be published there again. That was torment.

Then came the things God did to my family: the death of dad, recurrent manic episodes, end of marriage.

Somehow all of that though began a new/old way of living/writing without as much concern for outcomes.

It’s been powerful.

I guess that’s a sample of an Imagination more unknowable than all words.

Not just its pronouns.

And if people still ask me, When will you finally get another story into The New Yorker?

I can say, I don’t know, but let me send you this one, it sure was fun to play with.

It’s on my Substack. Because after it was rejected, I debated whether to publish it. And Shuffled no joke/no lie to this Synchronicity:

You ain't gotta like it 'cause the hood gone love it (hey)
You ain't gotta like it 'cause the hood gone love it (hey)
Watch a young n— show his ass out in public (hey hey)
I got the whole block bumpin' (hey)
You ain't gotta like it 'cause the hood gone love it (hey)

🔀 ✨

"The Wind" by Yusuf / Cat Stevens

This song was shuffled to on Thursday morning

While dreaming

Upon waking, it was sung

And then searched for on Spotify

The lyrics were read:

I listen to the wind
To the wind of my soul
Where I'll end up
Well I think only God really knows

The person who dream-shuffled to this song had spent almost 2 weeks with family

On Christmas night a few days before, we went to see the Broadway adaptation of the film Almost Famous.

It was a bit of perhaps a new Christmas tradition

Broadway and Italian in NYC

Instead of movie and Chinese anywhere else

Really fun and well-acted and well-choreographed and well-written and well, well-everything show

The moment where Cameron Crowe’s character has his story blocked by the band/Rolling Stone

He tells his mom he’s a failure as a music journalist

She’s overprotectively happy for a moment

But then said no joke/no lie: ‘Carl Jung said there is no good or bad luck, only meaningful synchronicities’

Someone next to me who had been cheering the Frances McDormand-like mom on the whole night elbowed me

We laughed

Though there may have been failure as a screenwriter (for now) and the music writing published here is nothing like the journalism and criticism Cameron Crowe and Lester Bangs and Jann Wenner might have practiced or recognized

There’s a lot to be proud of what the Shuffle Synchronicites Substack has been & become & isbecoming

And even more importantly the evolution of the ego co-producing it

One of the 4 books brought to read on this 2-week trip was no joke/no lie

Which was finally read on the flight back from NYC

The knowledge gained from it will be put toward the channel/thread of posts about How To Develop Our Own Shufflemancy Practice 🔮🫵😚

Which was promised in the about section

And will be coming soon

Another no joke/no lie regarding the above?

There were plans for when certain people died and were buried in a NYC cemetery me and other people would come there once a year no matter where we lived and after dinner and a Broadway show paid by a small fund by these certain people we would visit them at their graves and tell them all about it

It seems at least one of them won’t be buried in NYC after all

But there was much gratitude for the inspiring and sustaining memory shared with another one of them instead…😉

Back to Yusuf / Cat Stevens

A year ago on 12/31/21, there was a post about the song:

“Captain Jack” by Billy Joel

Shuffle Synchronicities

Shuffle Synchronicities: Volume 1 - #340

"Captain Jack" by Billy Joel…

Read more

4 years ago · 1 like · Dave Cowen

In which was written:

It’s about how Joel observed that upper-middle-class suburban young men, like himself/myself, sometimes waste their potential by escaping through alcohol, drugs, and masturbation.

Saturday night, and you're still hanging around
You're tired of living in your one horse town

Your sister's gone out, she's on a date
And you just sit at home and masturbate

But Captain Jack will get you high tonight
And take you to your special island
Captain Jack will get you by tonight
Just a little push, and you'll be smiling

The chorus about “Captain Jack” is not about the alcohol but instead a dealer Billy Joel observed suburban kids going to buy heroin from in the New York City area.

The next verse is about the suburban anti-hero taking a holiday, but finding nowhere ‘cool’ to go.

And then he finds out that his father has committed suicide.

They just found your father
In the swimming pool
And you guess you won't be goin' back to school
Anymore

This brings him back to more Captain Jack.

He then plays his music and smokes his pot and hooks up with a girlfriend in a parking lot, but aches for what went wrong in his life.

Joel concludes the story with perhaps a suicide of his own via the heroin.

Well, now Captain Jack
Could make you die tonight
Just a little push, and you'll be smiling

Like I said, pretty bleak!

I think, though, what’s it doing from a memoir synchronicity perspective, for me today at least, is helping me take stock of my life since my father committed suicide himself and my whole life changed.

Since then, I no longer drink alcohol or caffeine.

I no longer imbibe drugs like cannabis, not even just a little CBD.

But I do still eat a lot of fancy food ;)

I divorced.

And I masturbate more now, LOL.

To summarize the above, while at the end of 2021, this ego who co-produces this had quit alcohol, caffeine, and cannabis

It was still eating tons of unhealthy food, not really dating, and masturbating instead to pornography…a lot more than ever before…

What’s funny is that without knowing it then

The key to the former was the latter and vice versa

Meaning:

When I decided to quit masturbating to pornography

The unseen benefit was

My desire for unhealthy food also fell away

Now the first part wasn’t easy

Quitting pornography was supposed to be three days like this:

It was more like three weeks of this:

But after that was over

And I continued to not just not watch pornography

But also to not orgasm

(And to do extra sessions with a therapist about the root of sexual addictions and traumas)

All of the esoteric results that research into voluntary celibacy (volcel? lol) had promised

Or at least most of it

Did come true…!!!

More energy

More motivation

More attraction from

And to

Others

Self-esteem

Sublimation of that drive into:

Exercise

Creativity

Goal-directed

Productive

Behavior

Self-love

Shamelessness

12-year-old boy sensitivity

Withing actual 38-year-old maturity

Courtship

Women as people

Not sex objects

I know, right?!

The list could go on…

But among the most surprising parts was something that was not on the list

Which was that

The less dopamine in my brain, which had been overflooded from, you know, seeking and easily getting (or tricking myself into thinking I had gotten) sex with whomever whenever for as long as I wanted

The new status-quo led to less desire for other forms of easy dopamine

Fast food

Which was another sort of addiction

Fried food

another

Red meat

another

Candy, chocolate, processed foods…

All these things that also felt insurmountable to ever quit

Fell away

In the form of a conversion

Like my first metanoia

In 2019

In the sense, that will power wasn’t needed

In fact, the will for healthier choices only grew instead

And has been sustained for about 9 months now

Weight has gone from 218 pounds

to 168

And now lower still

164 post-holiday trip

But who’s counting lol

I've sat upon the setting sun
But never, never, never, never
I never wanted water once
No never, never, never

That’s not to say

Even though I never did have orgasms with myself

And never want to again with only myself

That I was or am against them with others

That element of celibacy wasn’t the goal

Even if it was what happened for all of 2021

But

That work of purification

Of rooting out what I didn’t want

Started to turn into imagining what I might want instead

Of possibilities

While on the trip, this article was read for the first time from The New Yorker

As what the writer Emily Witt wrote was read:

Over and over in my adult life, despite being an introvert with a preference for monogamy, I have found myself in situations where I’ve had total sexual freedom. The older I’ve got, the more I’ve understood how often sexual freedom imposes itself on people who don’t seek it out—no marriage contract, religion, posture of tradition, or abortion ban will protect a person from having to contend with the sexual possibilities of the present. (Even the spectrum of modern celibacy—incels, volcels, femcels—can be understood, at least in part, as a reaction to so much freedom.) A fulfilling sexual life and the search for a relationship could proceed along distinct paths, even if both tend to be grouped under the nebulous umbrella of “dating.” Because a romantic rejection could mess up your brain chemistry for months, it’s helped, when deciding with whom to spend time, to know in advance which lane you were in, and what was reasonable to expect from another person. Feeld was the first app I’d used that expressly differentiated the search for erotic friendship from the search for romantic partnership. It was also unique in that it did not advertise this search in the language and imagery of cis-male fantasies of no-strings-attached sex. Its culture indicated some understanding of the precautions and reassurances that the rest of us might need.

The app was joined

and connections started to be made

Vulnerable conversations

Real connection

Deep sharing

Fun banter

Sexuality has started to re-awaken

No orgasms still with myself

Nor with another person

But after a romantic night of voice memos with one person who has also been celibate for 10 months

This song was shuffled to:

“Livin’ My Truth” by Kid Cudi

There’s been a plan with another to FaceTime about a Tantric practice

And most significantly

Hours of sexting with a different person that mixed the sacred with the profane

On the day of New Year’s Eve while receiving energetic body work

Thoughts came to mind of:

How we were taught meaningless sex was any sex that wasn’t permanent

But what was the difference?

I wanted only meaningful sex

Instead of meaningless sex

But permanent sexual relationships can sometimes be more meaningless than impermanent ones

And impermanent sexual relationships, even with frequencies of one instance, can be as meaningful or more

Or as Yusuf / Cat may have sung:

I listen to my words
But they fall far below
I let my music take me
Where my heart wants to go

Other thoughts:

Options will be many, choose what’s right

For you and them

You will know

Don’t choose what’s not for you

That is force

What’s for you

Might be what you might not have expected

Or might not be what others expect of you

But that’s OK

I've swam upon the devil's lake
But never, never, never, never
I'll never make the same mistake
No never, never, never

Give pleasure to others

Don’t only self-serve

That can also mean…

Be an exhibitionist

Share your pleasure with others

Write about it here

Express joy

Enthusiasm

For all of life

Including sex

The exhibition is not only self-serving

It’s also so others know they can have more of what feels good to them too

An idea came to mind

From before

To edit a book called

The Best American Sexting

Because texting is an art form

Dorothy Parker and the wits of The Algonquin Roundtable who started The New Yorker are now millions of group texts and always have been

Also, bad sex writing with too much of the male gaze

Trying to imagine both sides of a sexual situation

Isn’t possible

When both people involved in the acts

Are co-creating the art of the moment together

Live

Spontaneously

Or at least that’s the conceit

So the plan was to leave you with highlights from the first submission to The Best American Sexting

Hoping to take further submissions soon

But then there was another Shuffle

“Outstanding” by SahBabii, 21 Savage

Which no joke/no lie has these lyrics:

Boy, yeah, I'm so fancy
Fuckin' these hoes, outlandish
I need a ho like Randy

LOL

Also, it was then remembered that the person I sexted with for hours, the song shuffled to with them was:

“Forever” by Justin Bieber, Post Malone, Clever

With lyrics:

Could you be here with me forever, ever, ever?
Would you be here with me forever, ever, ever?
Waking up all alone ain't better, better, better
Every time I go the wrong way you turn me back around

So, yes, I’ll admit, the paradox is there

It’s not so simple

This might not always be the way for me

Though

Perhaps the achieving of an old or a new forever

Comes with a journey of embracing some impermanents

The roguish 21 Savage and the romantic Bieber live inside me

Perhaps many or all of us

I guess

We’ll have to see what feels right

As it happens

Right now it still feels right to leave you with some of The Best American Sexting…

NOTE 1: The following is explicit LOL so now would be the time to close it if you don’t want to experience that…

NOTE 2: Though if you do like it, it continues after the jump by clicking ‘view entire message’

NOTE 3: And most importantly, CONSENT was given to publish this!!!

Do not ask me who it is, I will only ever say: A subby angel witch from outer space…🧎‍♀️😇 🧙‍♀️ from 🚀

Enjoy…………..