Shuffle Synchronicities: Volume 1 - #224

"You Go to My Head" by Bob Dylan - 08/29/21 - Unpause ;)

I’m back!!!

Did you miss me?!

;)

It was quite the two weeks.

I’ll do my best to transmute it into writing (though it’ll likely take many more than one post).

Where to begin?!

I wish now I had just written every day instead of took a break haha.

And yet I likely needed every bit of my presence to remain focused.

On what, you say, in my mind?

Not so that my sister could get married. I’m not narcissistic enough to believe that would or wouldn’t have happened as a result of anything I did or didn’t do ;)

But I believe I did have to focus on healing myself and my relationship with my family.

“Horus” by Plusma, Fatb

My Enneagram teacher Russ Hudson traces the roots of the Enneagram even further back than most scholars, all the way back to ancient Egypt.

Yearly, he takes students there to see artifacts some of which display patterns of nine symbols, which he believes signifies knowledge of the nine-faceted Enneagram.

The Egyptian myth of Horus, the title of a song that came on during the past two weeks in my Liked Songs Shuffle, tells the story of the son of Osiris and Isis who has to travel to the underworld to take on his father’s brother and murderer, Set.

The esoteric teaching is that when Horus returns to Egypt riding on top of the beastly Set, it signifies the maturity of a person returning from chaos in their life riding their baser/animal instincts and perhaps integrating their nine energies.

“Big Sur” by The Beach Boys

In the last post before the two-week break, I mentioned that I had the epiphany that I wasn’t an Enneagram 4 but that I was actually an Enneagram 7.

It took the full week at Esalen in Big Sur to realize this.

So what was the Esalen trip like?

Big Sur I've got plans for you
Me and mine are going to
Add ourselves to your lengthy list of lovers
And live in canyons covered in springtime green
Wild birds and flowers to be heard and seen
And with my old guitar
I'll make up songs to sing

Where bubbling springs from the mountainside
Join the Big Sur river to the oceanside
Where the kids can look for sea shells at low tide
Big Sur my astrology it says that I am made to be
Where the rugged mountain meets the water

It’s perhaps best described as a reawakening to who I used to be, or still am.

I had always been very sociable, fun-loving, and enthusiastic as a child growing up.

I made a lot of friends, almost no matter who they were.

But over the years my sociability led to in-groups and out-groups.

This was ‘OK’ in high school as I was in the ‘in-group’, but as that superiority hardened, and was brought to college, it led to a lack of acceptance of others, who felt that and therefore perhaps didn’t quite accept me either, which of course led to the paradox of superiority, i.e. inferiority.

This became worse in ‘Hollywood’ as I judged others before I knew them, and felt both superior and inferior to the other ‘talent’ and ‘gatekeepers’ around me.

This lack of connection with and to others perhaps became the biggest reason my career did not become what I had always dreamed it would be.

This is a long way of saying that I rediscovered my ‘social instinct’ at Esalen.

I had been learning about the self-preservation, sexual, and social instincts in my year-long Enneagram Shift Network class with Russ and Jessica Dibb and Julie Harris and others.

So I consciously set out to try a new experience on my growth edge (sexual instinct) while also trying to make new friends that are interested in the new things I’m now interested in after a year and a half of relative pandemic solitude (social instinct).

It went swimmingly.

Quite literally.

In between the three workshops a day with Russ, the ~30 or so of us would bathe in the hot springs and swim in the pool together.

Naked.

It’s both hard and easy to describe what this experience does.

On the surface, it would seem to be sexually magnetic.

But in actuality, in most of my experience, it is more of a social bonding.

An unmasking of the persona or ego.

So that the Selves or Spirits can commune.

Sure, another part of it is the literal body.

Some of you who know me in person, or intimately, know I am overweight and have a pretty small penis LOL.

So being ‘accepted’ by ‘beautiful’ women and ‘alpha’ males was part of it.

But also simply there’s something familial and spiritual about bathing and swimming together.

Not to mention fun!

This brings me back to Enneagram 7.

I was a lot of FUN!

I had been ‘sure’ for the last 2.5/3 years that I was an Enneagram 4.

And when I got a chance to talk to Russ in the hot springs between workshops in perhaps the second day, I told him the story of my manic depression and spiritual awakening and dad’s death and divorce, and how I believed I was a 4.

Russ and the others in the hot springs patiently listened to this and he didn’t confirm or deny it.

I later learned that Enneagram type is a lot like all forms of identity, it’s not up to someone else to tell you what you are or aren’t.

But over the course of the week, I kept pestering Russ with personal questions about my 4ness.

For instance, I told him about how my ‘perceived’ hatred of my mother led to splitting into self-hatred which led to my manic episode/nervous breakdown at the age of 21.

As I told him this story, I began to notice that his body would almost reflexively react to me, physically pulling away.

Afterward, he even seemingly avoided me over the others in the in-between moments.

He would later deny feeling this way consciously, and that’s likely true.

But it seems to me now that there was some sort of physical/spiritual response to his probably knowing consciously or unconsciously that I was in a relatively confused state.

The pieces started to both crack and come together on I believe Wednesday afternoon.

I asked him at lunch if he had time to talk about mental illness and the Enneagram, and he said to ask the question in the year-long course because there wasn’t enough time here, seemingly brushing me off.

But then someone asked a similar question in the workshop, and he answered briefly but quite fully.

He reiterated what he had written in his book with Don Richard Riso that the 9 types seem to line up with many of the DSM diagnoses and that while type 4s have clinical depression, they don’t often have manic depression.

That instead, it’s almost always type 7s that have manic depression.

At the time, I was stewing with that response.

My identity for the past 2.5 years of study was that I was a 4.

There had been moments of considering 6 and 9, but ultimately I always returned to 4.

But the next night, the second to last class, was finally the class on 7.

I don’t know if Russ consciously or unconsciously directed his teaching on 7 toward me.

But the teaching itself profoundly impacted me.

The joke with 7s is that it’s best to do them last because they are too distracted and scattered usually to pay attention to the rest of the workshops if they’re done early.

And in retrospect, this was true of me and my reading and learning.

I often did get tired as the books and videos and podcasts and etc. got to 7.

It was probably the type I knew the least about at the time of the workshop.

So what did Russ say that struck me.

I wish I had recorded it haha.

I tried to sum it up in an Instagram post caption/comment last week:

Will do my best to explain my experience! Not a teaching ;) I recently learned that I am a glutton! Lol. I was addicted to more! More fun! I wanted it in every moment! And yes sometimes that was substances like alcohol, cigarettes, marijuana, food, Instagram, pornography, music, writing, perhaps even ‘spiritual searching’ and many other ‘transitional objects.’ But now I see it’s already there! Sober joy! In every moment! Even doing the chores! What was the issue?! For me at least it related to object relations! As an #enneagram7 or someone with work to do with that facet ;) I had a disconnection from my nurturing figure (perception of not enough to be frank lol + growth of further ‘frustrated’ “perception” and sadly ~projection~ onto others, which made me often want more from the present moment and made me sometimes perpetually unsatisfied! That’s no fun haha ;) I recommend studying #objectrelations #russhudson #enneagram #esalen #ninefacetsofunity #donaldwinnicott #enneagraminstitute - Enjoy your journey! Mine has been so fun! Even when I said it wasn’t sometimes ;) Sorry! LOVE YOU

and love you. and love all of you ;) and yes always more to learn and work on and experience! Including learning not to deny when I’m sad like a sad clown

like other Enneagram 7s Robin Williams, Jim Carrey, Russell Brand, Mozart, Franklin, Ram Dass, Britney Spears? Two steps forward today, perhaps a step back tomorrow, or perhaps not ;)

But essentially I learned that the low end of 7 is the manic depression I’ve had at times.

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Unhealthy Levels

Level 7: Desperate to quell their anxieties, can be impulsive and infantile: do not know when to stop. Addictions and excess take their toll: debauched, depraved, dissipated escapists, offensive and abusive.

Level 8: In flight from self, acting out impulses rather than dealing with anxiety or frustrations: go out of control, into erratic mood swings, and compulsive actions (manias).

Level 9: Finally, their energy and health is completely spent: become claustrophobic and panic-stricken. Often give up on themselves and life: deep depression and despair, self-destructive overdoses, impulsive suicide. Generally corresponds to the Bipolar disorder and Histrionic personality disorder.

And that the high end of 7 is the intimations of spiritual reality I’ve also had at times:

Healthy Levels

Level 3: Easily become accomplished achievers, generalists who do many different things well: multi-talented. Practical, productive, usually prolific, cross-fertilizing areas of interest.

Level 2: Highly responsive, excitable, enthusiastic about sensation and experience. Most extroverted type: stimuli bring immediate responses—they find everything invigorating. Lively, vivacious, eager, spontaneous, resilient, cheerful.

Level 1 (At Their Best): Assimilate experiences in depth, making them deeply grateful and appreciative for what they have. Become awed by the simple wonders of life: joyous and ecstatic. Intimations of spiritual reality, of the boundless goodness of life.

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It all confirmed:

That the experiences I had had of the present moment being the perfect present moment and not wanting anything more from it, that that was OK.

That the feeling that there was a spiritual reality around us at all times, that that was OK.

That ‘knowing’ Heaven is also on Earth, that that was OK.

That all that was even ‘Healthy.’

After crying throughout the entire workshop, we did a ‘practice’ in small groups where we did rounds of saying what we did to try to satisfy ourselves and then rounds of saying what actually satisfied us.

And during that practice, I realized not just that some of the things that I tried to satisfy myself with didn’t satisfy me, but that some things did, even many things, and many things that I never thought would also did, such as a person’s laugh just before I answered, or the shirt I was wearing, and perhaps even any and everything.

The gap between desiring more from the present moment started to close and then did close to a point where I was completely satisfied with the present moment.

I was as fellow 7 Ram Dass always taught: Being here now.

And it continued that way beyond Thursday night into my trip home to LA on Friday and then to my trip to my hometown of Rochester on Saturday and into the preparation of the wedding that week with what I believe to be the grace of ‘God.’

Spoiler alert: it’s now not quite as strong as it was.

And that’s OK!

But I’ll tell that story in more posts to come.

For now, I will now return to today’s song:

"You Go to My Head" by Bob Dylan

And just say that the ecstasy of the high 7 led to a lot of clarity about my future plans.

The Holy Ideas of the 7 are Holy Plan/Holy Wisdom.

It’s a very future and possibilities part of the Enneagram.

Maybe like the visions of the future I have written about in previous posts.

Esalen is sometimes known these days as being the setting of the end of the TV show Mad Men.

Many people made fun of Esalen or the show’s finale because Don Draper (Jon Hamm’s character) seems to have a Satori moment in which he only realizes what he needs to do in his advertising career.

But in my experience, such clarity in career and/or romantic plans indeed does come with and/or after such clarity in self and spiritual knowledge.

More to come on that too.

And perhaps something TK about Kanye’s return (also today).

But to quote from Dylan’s song:

The thrill of the thought that you might give a thought to my plea

Okay, that’s the two hundred and twenty-fourth Shuffle Synchronicities.