Shuffle Synchronicities: Volume 1 - #245

"Tarantula" by Al Casey, The Storms - 09/19/21

"Tarantula" by Al Casey, The Storms

I haven’t had a proper depressive episode in a while.

And yet the last few days have sometimes felt close to one.

To go along with the humorous but mostly depressing Hinge escort story from yesterday…

Today I received text(s) from my (ex?)-wife that she no longer wants to be in contact with me in any way.

I had just played tennis with the therapist woman I had gone on a date with earlier in the summer after she kindly reached back out.

It wasn’t a date, because, while in Esalen, I had written to her and said I didn’t want to date her or anyone anymore because I had the vision of not dating anyone and getting back with my (ex?)-wife someday.

And we were now eating lunch when I got the text(s).

She was complimenting me on how my creativity, spirituality, decency, and other things, or maybe not even those things, it was hard for me not to dissociate while receiving the compliments; point is, she said, meeting me back then, it had helped her to meet someone new that she is now dating and really happy with.

Which is great.

It really is.

But I also felt like an imposter.

Did I really help this person?

I can’t even help myself right now.

I almost couldn’t get out of bed to meet her.

I’m finding it hard to even concentrate on writing this post.

After lunch, I went back to my car and shuffled for the first time of the day and got this song: “Tarantula”.

It’s a pleasant enough instrumental, a no lyrics rockabilly song, from a session master in the genre.

I just tried to look up what a tarantula symbolizes, but it all felt very confusing and unresonant to me today, and I don’t feel like copying it over.

In the early part of the tennis, the therapist woman had kinda sorta invited me to join her camping in the Mojave desert today and tomorrow to see the Pisces full moon.

I was finding it enjoyable playing tennis with her and finding her funny and attractive.

But I mostly kinda sort of said no to the offer due to the day job.

And it seemed to be well off the table soon after.

Writing this post it feels Sisyphean and silly and maybe even hurtful to her, my (ex?)-wife, and myself.

But I did shuffle yesterday when I was feeling particularly low and got:

Of which Wikipedia writes:

~In the 1960s, Cohen lived on the Greek island Hydra with his girlfriend Marianne Ihlen, the woman depicted on the back cover of Songs from a Room. She has related how she helped him out of a depression by handing him his guitar, whereupon he began composing "Bird on the Wire", inspired by a bird sitting on one of Hydra's recently installed phone wires. He finished it in a Hollywood motel.~

And of which the lyrics are:

Like a bird on the wire
Like a drunk in a midnight choir
I have tried in my way to be free

Like a worm on a hook
Like a knight from some old fashioned book
I have saved all my ribbons for thee

If I, if I have been unkind
I hope that you can just let it go by
If I, if I have been untrue
I hope you know it was never to you

Like a baby, stillborn
Like a beast with his horn
I have torn everyone who reached out for me

But I swear by this song
And by all that I have done wrong
I will make it all up to thee

I saw a beggar leaning on his wooden crutch
He said to me, "You must not ask for so much."
And a pretty woman leaning in her darkened door
She cried to me, "Hey, why not ask for more?"

Oh like a bird on the wire
Like a drunk in a midnight choir
I have tried in my way to be free

I tried a number of ways to interpret the lyrics synchronistically for you all.

But, honestly, I just don’t have it in me today.

Sorry.

Daily writing has peaks and valleys.

And I guess so does existence.

This weekend more than kinda sorta felt like Death Valley ;)

But here’s a meme that also kinda sort helped:

A friend texted me when I sent her this:

I like all the Greek loves!!

What about love of god or love of nature?

I texted back:

aha!

add 2 more!

at least!

She wrote back:

Infinite loves!

And, yes, here is something about the symbology of spiders:

“Some find the eight legs and body shape in the form of an eight significant; numerology equates spider with the symbol for infinity. Spider is the totality of the life cycle – the beginning and end. The medicine of spider should be called upon when one feels trapped. If a web is destroyed, spider recycles it and weaves it anew. So spider allows the individual to assimilate negative experiences and use them for gain.”

Okay, that’s the two hundred and forty-fifth Shuffle Synchronicities.